Have I given plausible but untrue reasons for my behaviour? What have they been?
When I drank I often lied about the reasons I was drinking. I'd fabricate or exagerate an event or sequence of events at work in order to justify drinking when we'd previously (often at my instigation) agreed to have a few days/weeks off from drinking. Even to myself I would have mental arguments about the necessity vs desire to drink. I never felt at peace with the idea of of it being OK to get trashed even though that is what I set out to achieve by drinking. So I'd just say I'm stressed or I'm cheesed off or whatever. Never that I needed a drink, no, never just that plain and simple want.
I guess I always felt it necessary to justify a drink because I knew for a long time that my drinking pattern was problematic. So I know I shouldn't be drinking long before I actually stopped. And then I'd re-start because I felt like it would be OK this time even though I'd already prooved it wouldn't be. I'd say to myself that I would exercise control but I knew I wouldn't because I was still wanting to drink to get trashed.
I always said wasn't an alcoholic even after I realised that I drank too much too often. I said I drank too much sometimes. I minimised it and rarely admitted to how much I drank even to my husband.
Have I compulsively acted on an obsession, and then acted as if I had actually planned to act that way? When were those times?
Until I started thinking about this question I thought I was not generally a compulsive person except when it comes to drinking. These days I will sometimes make a decision to not surf the net at work or at home in the venings but then find that I've spent hours and hours doing so. I'll then re-order my task list of priorities for the rest of the day/ evening as if this were a planned "skive". So I do act compulsively about my use of the internet. It's an easy way to cut myself off from the things that are going on in my life. Huh ... sound familiar?
How have I blamed other people for my behaviour?
Again I didn't really think I did much in the way of blaming. Then I thought about the way I'd react if "caught out" by Trev or anyone else. Basically I'd lie, or shift the blame on to whoever or whatever sprang to mind. I'd make out that it was Trev's fault that I had to sneak around or I'd act indignant that he was suggesting that I was lying when I tried to pretend I was sober when I'd drunk a lot before he got home. I would then either ratchet up the argument so as to create a row that I could then use as an excuse to slam out of the room (bottle in hand usually).
For quite a while I blamed my past for my drinking and my general inability to cope with pretty normal things that happen in life. Dad being a violent alcoholic, the disruption of the separation and divorce, emmigrating from Canada aged 12, distant cool and detached mother who was only realy doing her best in a very difficult situation etc etc ... just pretty average less-than-ideal stuff really. I suppose I do think Dad's alcoholism should have given more more pause for thought before I let my drinking get so out of control.
How have I compared my addiction with others' addiction? Is my addiction "bad enough" if I don't compare it to anyone else's?
When I first joined an online alcohol support forum I "met" people whose drinking far outstripped my own ... and others whose drinking was less than mine. I found it re-assuring that others drinking was worse than my own and yet they were working, had homes, families, jobs etc etc ... like "normal" people. It rather fed that side of me that wanted to believe that I could just rein it all back in because I wasn't "that bad".
My addiction is mine. It isn't about the depth of others' problems but the depth of mine. I am an alcoholic. When I drink I drink to get drunk. I drink one and want more and more until I can't remember why I shouldn't carry on drinking. Thoughts of the consequences seem irrelavent and I always figured that it'd somehow be all right.
Am I comparing a current manifestation of my addiction to the way my life was before i got sober? Am I plagued with the idea that I should have known better?
One of the reasons I came to AA was that even though I hadn't had a drink for 8 months I kind of knew that I was still thinking and acting in the way I did whilst drinking. I knew that taking drink out of the equation would make things better but I hoped it would make it better than it has. Hence my appearance at meetings. I want to make my sober life a happy life if at all possible and learn to be more at ease with myself. To do that I need to learn honesty.
I remember when I drank as a teenager and realising that I could get in real trouble with my drinking. So I stopped drinking although I did smoke dope reasonably regularly right up until I started drinking again in my 30's. Am I plagued by thoughts that I should have known better? Yes I am. I knew even back then in my teens that I drank/drugged to get trashed. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that this way of life is likely to lead into trouble.
Have I been thinking that I have enough information about addiction and recovery to get my behaviour under control before it gets out of hand?
I was surprised to read this question. Yes I have read a lot about addiction and recovery and having spent nearly 4 years on an alcohol support forum online I have learnt a fair bit there too. Do I have enough information? Well it's tempting to say yes and certainly a part of me does think I'm clever enough to go it alone from now on. Experience would indicate otherwise though, but yes the thought is there in my mind.
Am I avoiding action because I'm afraid I will be ashamed when I face the results of my addiction? Am I avoiding action because I'm worried about what others think?
I have found it really hard to sit down and work through these questions. I mean step one is supposed to be pretty straight forward isn't it? What I realise is that my mindset is such that I want the results of the programme without doing the steps. I don't want to come face to face with myself even though I know the necessity. I am already ashamed of being an addict. I think what I'm worrying about right now is that I'm making a right hash of this step one and my sponsor will read this stuff and think I'm a right pillock ... and I'm worried that if I admit that I am struggling to understand some of the questions people will think I'm stupid.
I avoid action on all fronts and am generally given to procrastination and diverting myself with easy stuf like watching tellie or surfing the web. Even meditating sometimes. I think what worries me most though is that I won't do this stuff right and therefore it won't work ... and because I don't really know what it "working" looks like of feels like I won't be able to tell.
