Why is making a decision central to working this step?
I think deciding is an act of will and also the start point of a willingness to follow through with action. It's the precursor to action, but action with a purpose and for me that purpose is recovery.
Can I make this decision just for today? Do I have any fears or reservations about it? What are they?
Yes I can make this decision on a daily basis. I suppose the main thing that I have reservations about are that I will not be able to do this right, or well enough to work out. Also that I will be giving up my autonomy or somehow be expected to follow a dogma that will ultimately make me unhappy. I suppose it's that old arrogance that results in me thinking that if the programme has no solid psychological foundation then it can't possibly be good enough for me.
What action have I taken to follow through on my decision?
I don't know!!! Oh actually yes I do. I can actually go and get myself a sponsor. I am scared to do this because I think that will entail me having to do things at someone else's pace rather than my own (which is really a non-pace since I am perpetually in full procrastination mode)
What areas of my life are difficult for me to turn over? Why is it important that I turn them over anyway?
I don't really understand this concept of areas. I've known for quite some time that alcoholism is not simply about drinking/not drinking so I know that recovery is about more than not drinking. I suppose I figure that turning my whole life over is an impossibility as it smacks of the whole "born again christianity" thing. However unless I decide to make some radical changes in my life I am unlikely to recover longer term.
Areas that are difficult for me to turn over are;
Things I need to change but don't want to do any work to effect the change needed,
My character defects
My fears
My need to feel in control
My love of doing nothing
My procrastination
Why is it important to turn these things over? Because nothing changes if nothing changes. I'm still running essentially on self will and although I don't feel at any great risk of drinking I know that I have not been working at recovery with anything like the level of commitment needed to yield positive profound change. I'm acting in much the same way I was whilst drinking ... except I'm not drinking. Turning things over is not about abdicating my responsibilities but is about being willing to listen and learn from others ... turning over my self will is key here.
How have I acted on self-will? What were my motives?
Isolating myself from others and withdrawing within myself even whilst in the company of others is an act of self will (acting on the impulse of being scared to engage with others). It's also a way of exerting control over my environment. If I'm by myself I only have to please myself so I'm in charge. The idea of a "God of my understanding" being in charge of me is how I understood this step for a long time. Now I see that the God of my understanding is not in charge as it isn't intervening in my life. Instead if my higher power is the principles of the 12 steps it's in effect the collective wisdom of AA for me to draw upon. So I turn my will over to working the program ... nothing to be frightened of there.
Mostly my motives are fear based. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of appearing foolish, fear of being seen as needy or weak, fear of being challenged to change even though I know I need to change.
How has acting on self will affected my life?
I have no friends. I spend a lot of time outside work either on my own or with family. Apart from going to meetings I rarely go out in the evenings. I'm missing out on stuff that could make life a lot more enjoyable. I'm so ingrained on acting on self will that I feel unable to change. I need help to do this.
How has my self will affected others?
I really struggle to see how much of what I do affects others as I'm in so little contact with others except for Trev, Kath et al, and work colleagues. That said I know I can be maddeningly stubborn about things, when ask to do things I almost always look for an escape route never hesitating to lie if it achieves my aims. I know I hurt the people I love sometimes with my rejection of offers to come over and spend time with them.
Step Two: Part Seven Moving On
What action can I take that will help me along the process of coming to believe?
This is a difficult one but I guess just more of the same ... trying to keep an open mind, reading the Big Book and 12&12, talking to other people in recovery, sharing and pooling experiences. Looking at works for others and trying out things without pre-judging the "likely" outcomes.
What am I doing to work on overcoming any unrealistic expectations I may have about being restored to sanity?
I was quite taken aback by this question. I think if anything my expectations are low rather than high. My hopes are somewhat higher though. Drinking and the thought/behaviour patterns that enabled and perpetuated it are still quite troublesome to me. I guess I had hoped that stopping drinking would restore more of my sanity than it has to date, but I see that working the steps has the potential at least to improve that situation. I hope so anyway.
What is my understanding of Step Two?
My understanding is that having acknowledged that I am powerless over alcohol and that my life had become unmanageable I need to do something about it. Acknowledging that my own resources have thus far prooved less than sufficient to deal with my alcoholism (even accepting my abstinence prior to joining AA), I need to be willing to believe that a Power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. At this point I have not clearly defined my Higher Power as such except to say that I do completely see that my home group of AA'ers is a Power much greater than myself and has prooved far more effective than my own efforts alone in trying to restore myself to sanity. I hope in time to define a Higher Power which has a more spiritual dimension but that may not happen. In the meantime I am happy that my AA group and the principles underpinning the 12 steps can act as a working model ... as my Higher Power.
How has my prior knowledge and experience affected my work on this step?
One of the real stumbing blocks for me in this step has been the whole faith/religion/god thing. Accepting that I already have faith ... and that coming to meetings and trying to work the steps is evidence of faith has helped me to overcome my inherent distrust of anything that looks at first glane to involve an element of religious-type faith. Sometimes I get caught up in the detail and can't see the wood for the trees! I already have faith in lots of things, I already trust in lots of things. I suppose I just needed time to get over my instinctive reticence to do anything without first fully understanding what is involved and why it has to be that way.
This is a difficult one but I guess just more of the same ... trying to keep an open mind, reading the Big Book and 12&12, talking to other people in recovery, sharing and pooling experiences. Looking at works for others and trying out things without pre-judging the "likely" outcomes.
What am I doing to work on overcoming any unrealistic expectations I may have about being restored to sanity?
I was quite taken aback by this question. I think if anything my expectations are low rather than high. My hopes are somewhat higher though. Drinking and the thought/behaviour patterns that enabled and perpetuated it are still quite troublesome to me. I guess I had hoped that stopping drinking would restore more of my sanity than it has to date, but I see that working the steps has the potential at least to improve that situation. I hope so anyway.
What is my understanding of Step Two?
My understanding is that having acknowledged that I am powerless over alcohol and that my life had become unmanageable I need to do something about it. Acknowledging that my own resources have thus far prooved less than sufficient to deal with my alcoholism (even accepting my abstinence prior to joining AA), I need to be willing to believe that a Power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. At this point I have not clearly defined my Higher Power as such except to say that I do completely see that my home group of AA'ers is a Power much greater than myself and has prooved far more effective than my own efforts alone in trying to restore myself to sanity. I hope in time to define a Higher Power which has a more spiritual dimension but that may not happen. In the meantime I am happy that my AA group and the principles underpinning the 12 steps can act as a working model ... as my Higher Power.
How has my prior knowledge and experience affected my work on this step?
One of the real stumbing blocks for me in this step has been the whole faith/religion/god thing. Accepting that I already have faith ... and that coming to meetings and trying to work the steps is evidence of faith has helped me to overcome my inherent distrust of anything that looks at first glane to involve an element of religious-type faith. Sometimes I get caught up in the detail and can't see the wood for the trees! I already have faith in lots of things, I already trust in lots of things. I suppose I just needed time to get over my instinctive reticence to do anything without first fully understanding what is involved and why it has to be that way.
Step Two Part Six: Spiritual Principles
What is having a closed mind harmful to my recovery?
In so many ways!!! I think and then I over-think, analyse ... see potential problems and pitfalls ... decide before even trying something that it isn't going to work ... all that stuff. In particular this business of faith/spirituality. I find it hard to get my head around it and decide that I've tried all that and it was bunkum. Was it? All of it? By closing my mind I am cutting myself off from the possibility of solutions that might work far better than the options left open.
How am I demonstrating open mindedness in my life today?
I am trying to see where my mind is closing and looking at the reasons for that. I see the pitfalls of closing my mind, but seeing and doing something about it are quite different things. When I go to meetings I try to listen to everyone and everything that is said. I try not to "filter" it all through my "this won't/can't work" filter and just try to look at the principles involved. After all the principles work for all the people I've seen with long tern sobriety and there's nothing so different about them compared to me.
In what ways has my life changed since I've been in recovery? Do I believe more change is possible?
One of the things that got me into AA was that despite being abstinent for some time I still wasn't feeling like I had good coping mechanisms to live a reasonably content sober life. I tried to figure out what to do about it all on my own and with some online support which was really valuable and helped me to start making some quite fundamental changes in the way I looked at things like core beliefs, behaviour modes, triggers, relapses and things like that. But I still didn't feel like I was coping with LIFE and felt a constant desire to escape using means other than alcohol.
I think that is starting to change since I started going to meetings and trying to practise the steps. I find myself pausing and thinking about some of the things I've read and heard in meetings. Even basic stuff like asking myself "is this something I can change/control?" which I learnt from simply looking at the words of the serenity prayer and listening to other sharing about how that simple prayer helps them. Having it confirmed and underlined time and time again that the changes have to happen within me rather than around me has been quite instrumental in helping me to move forward. I think I am starting to move beyond the mind-set where things around me tip me off balance the whole time. I am starting to learn to accept things more readily (some of the time anyway!)
Obviously I haven't started drinking and I've come to understand that returning to drinking in any form is more than unwise. I still battle with the thought of drinking sometimes but understanding that it's the first drink that sets everything in motion and will more likely than not return me to the state of unmanageablility that got me into so much trouble before. Coming to meetings and reading the Big Book / 12 and 12 has really helped me to understand why I shouldn't consider trying for moderation over abstinence.
I certainly believe more change is possible or else why even try?
What am I willing to do to be restored to sanity?
I think this is a difficult question to answer honestly because the way that the question is phrased creates anxiety within me. What will I be required to do? Will it go against some inner conviction I hold? Will I be required to subjugate myself in some way? Abandon my intellect and take some "leap of faith"? How will I resolve that conflict? ... basically it sends my mind into overdrive.
What I am willing to do is to learn what helped restore others to sanity. To learn from their experience and understand that what worked for them is likely to work for me. I am willing to accept that the process itself might be uncomfortable and may even grate with me but that change is a necessary part of recovery. Staying stuck is partly why I stayed in my drinking pattern for so long so change was required there ... and so too here. I am willing to try.
Is there something I am now willing to do that I was previously unwilling to do? What is it?
I think back to how unwilling I was to even consider AA as an avenue of support and realise that I have actually come quite a long way from that position already. By coming to meetings, reading the Big Book / 12 and 12, by talking to others in recovery I am learning so much about recovery. Fundamentally I am learning that recovery is what I DO. It is not something that will happen around me or something that will be imposed upon me. I have to learn what works and DO those things. For me that is where the change has happened between what I was previously unwilling to do or even contemplate doing ... and now.
What action have I been taking that demonstrates my faith?
Yes, well not much if I'm honest. Yes I come to meetings. Yes I read the Big Book and 12&12. Yes I sometimes share. I talk to other in recovery. I asked for help in working the steps. I talk to people with long term sobriety about my concerns. I try to be more open and less guarded. I think my "faith" is in the fact that this program can work. By turning up and trying, and being willing to try I am demonstrating the beginnings of that "faith".
How has my faith grown?
I ask myself "is it working out"? "Do I think I am coping better with my life now than before"? Answering these questions in the affirmative helps me to see that my faith in the fact that this could work is not so far misplaced. Faith to me is a process itself and coming from a background of religiosity I think this is likely to be an area of difficulty for a while yet.
Have I been able to make plans, having faith that my addiction isn't going to get in the way?
Yes definitely. One of the huge benefits I've noticed of maintaining my abstinence is that I no longer worry about how to plan "around" events ... trying to avoid one's where drinking opportunities will be limited or nonexistant.
On the wider front I'm not so sure though. I'm still not really aware where my addiction begins and ends as far as my mindset, beliefs and behaviours are concerned. It is something I am working on.
What fears do I have that are getting in the way of my trust?
I do not find trust easy. I think for me gaining a better understanding of the principles on which the 12 steps are based has been very helpful in terms of my trust in the possibility of it working.
I suppose having had a crisis of faith in the past has given me more than average pause for thought ... particularly with regard to the spiritual nature of this program. I still find it hard to trust that there isn't some hidden agenda somewhere along the line where I will suddenly be faced with a start choice of "believe this or else ..." sort of thing. I have less of those kinds of fears as time passes though since I can see that recovery is worked in individual ways. I see that some people work the steps mechanically trusting that it will work ... and I see others looking to understand how the steps can be interpretted to take account of agnostisim / altoernative belief systems etc. I am starting to trust that the program is more flexible in it's interpretation than it might seem from purely reading the Big Book and 12&12.
What do I need to do to let go of these fears?
Ha! Trust and fear ... they are two sides of the same coin to my mind. If I trust more I will fear less. I think by trying to work the steps I will let go of more of my fears as time passes and I see the benefits of the changes I make.
What action am I taking that demonstrates my trust in the process of recovery and a Power greater than myself?
I think the very fact that I am writing out the answers to these questions, trying to think the issues through ... talking about this with Cathy and others at AA ... all of these things demonstrate my trust in the process of recovery. My home group is a Power greater than myself and although it is sometimes a bumpy ride in our meetings I trust many of the people in that room to give useful guidance / counsel.
Have I sought help from a Power greater than myself today? How?
I said the serenity prayer earlier today when faced with a situation where I was unsure how to proceed. Even if was more an exercise in taking a moment to pause for though rather than actively seeking divine inspiration I still found it useful and calming.
Have I sought help from my sponsor, gone to meetings, and reached out to other recoverying alcoholics/addicts? What were the results?
So far so good. I believe I am becoming sober in a fuller way that encompasses more than purely staying abstinent from alcohol. I think I am making some progress.
In so many ways!!! I think and then I over-think, analyse ... see potential problems and pitfalls ... decide before even trying something that it isn't going to work ... all that stuff. In particular this business of faith/spirituality. I find it hard to get my head around it and decide that I've tried all that and it was bunkum. Was it? All of it? By closing my mind I am cutting myself off from the possibility of solutions that might work far better than the options left open.
How am I demonstrating open mindedness in my life today?
I am trying to see where my mind is closing and looking at the reasons for that. I see the pitfalls of closing my mind, but seeing and doing something about it are quite different things. When I go to meetings I try to listen to everyone and everything that is said. I try not to "filter" it all through my "this won't/can't work" filter and just try to look at the principles involved. After all the principles work for all the people I've seen with long tern sobriety and there's nothing so different about them compared to me.
In what ways has my life changed since I've been in recovery? Do I believe more change is possible?
One of the things that got me into AA was that despite being abstinent for some time I still wasn't feeling like I had good coping mechanisms to live a reasonably content sober life. I tried to figure out what to do about it all on my own and with some online support which was really valuable and helped me to start making some quite fundamental changes in the way I looked at things like core beliefs, behaviour modes, triggers, relapses and things like that. But I still didn't feel like I was coping with LIFE and felt a constant desire to escape using means other than alcohol.
I think that is starting to change since I started going to meetings and trying to practise the steps. I find myself pausing and thinking about some of the things I've read and heard in meetings. Even basic stuff like asking myself "is this something I can change/control?" which I learnt from simply looking at the words of the serenity prayer and listening to other sharing about how that simple prayer helps them. Having it confirmed and underlined time and time again that the changes have to happen within me rather than around me has been quite instrumental in helping me to move forward. I think I am starting to move beyond the mind-set where things around me tip me off balance the whole time. I am starting to learn to accept things more readily (some of the time anyway!)
Obviously I haven't started drinking and I've come to understand that returning to drinking in any form is more than unwise. I still battle with the thought of drinking sometimes but understanding that it's the first drink that sets everything in motion and will more likely than not return me to the state of unmanageablility that got me into so much trouble before. Coming to meetings and reading the Big Book / 12 and 12 has really helped me to understand why I shouldn't consider trying for moderation over abstinence.
I certainly believe more change is possible or else why even try?
What am I willing to do to be restored to sanity?
I think this is a difficult question to answer honestly because the way that the question is phrased creates anxiety within me. What will I be required to do? Will it go against some inner conviction I hold? Will I be required to subjugate myself in some way? Abandon my intellect and take some "leap of faith"? How will I resolve that conflict? ... basically it sends my mind into overdrive.
What I am willing to do is to learn what helped restore others to sanity. To learn from their experience and understand that what worked for them is likely to work for me. I am willing to accept that the process itself might be uncomfortable and may even grate with me but that change is a necessary part of recovery. Staying stuck is partly why I stayed in my drinking pattern for so long so change was required there ... and so too here. I am willing to try.
Is there something I am now willing to do that I was previously unwilling to do? What is it?
I think back to how unwilling I was to even consider AA as an avenue of support and realise that I have actually come quite a long way from that position already. By coming to meetings, reading the Big Book / 12 and 12, by talking to others in recovery I am learning so much about recovery. Fundamentally I am learning that recovery is what I DO. It is not something that will happen around me or something that will be imposed upon me. I have to learn what works and DO those things. For me that is where the change has happened between what I was previously unwilling to do or even contemplate doing ... and now.
What action have I been taking that demonstrates my faith?
Yes, well not much if I'm honest. Yes I come to meetings. Yes I read the Big Book and 12&12. Yes I sometimes share. I talk to other in recovery. I asked for help in working the steps. I talk to people with long term sobriety about my concerns. I try to be more open and less guarded. I think my "faith" is in the fact that this program can work. By turning up and trying, and being willing to try I am demonstrating the beginnings of that "faith".
How has my faith grown?
I ask myself "is it working out"? "Do I think I am coping better with my life now than before"? Answering these questions in the affirmative helps me to see that my faith in the fact that this could work is not so far misplaced. Faith to me is a process itself and coming from a background of religiosity I think this is likely to be an area of difficulty for a while yet.
Have I been able to make plans, having faith that my addiction isn't going to get in the way?
Yes definitely. One of the huge benefits I've noticed of maintaining my abstinence is that I no longer worry about how to plan "around" events ... trying to avoid one's where drinking opportunities will be limited or nonexistant.
On the wider front I'm not so sure though. I'm still not really aware where my addiction begins and ends as far as my mindset, beliefs and behaviours are concerned. It is something I am working on.
What fears do I have that are getting in the way of my trust?
I do not find trust easy. I think for me gaining a better understanding of the principles on which the 12 steps are based has been very helpful in terms of my trust in the possibility of it working.
I suppose having had a crisis of faith in the past has given me more than average pause for thought ... particularly with regard to the spiritual nature of this program. I still find it hard to trust that there isn't some hidden agenda somewhere along the line where I will suddenly be faced with a start choice of "believe this or else ..." sort of thing. I have less of those kinds of fears as time passes though since I can see that recovery is worked in individual ways. I see that some people work the steps mechanically trusting that it will work ... and I see others looking to understand how the steps can be interpretted to take account of agnostisim / altoernative belief systems etc. I am starting to trust that the program is more flexible in it's interpretation than it might seem from purely reading the Big Book and 12&12.
What do I need to do to let go of these fears?
Ha! Trust and fear ... they are two sides of the same coin to my mind. If I trust more I will fear less. I think by trying to work the steps I will let go of more of my fears as time passes and I see the benefits of the changes I make.
What action am I taking that demonstrates my trust in the process of recovery and a Power greater than myself?
I think the very fact that I am writing out the answers to these questions, trying to think the issues through ... talking about this with Cathy and others at AA ... all of these things demonstrate my trust in the process of recovery. My home group is a Power greater than myself and although it is sometimes a bumpy ride in our meetings I trust many of the people in that room to give useful guidance / counsel.
Have I sought help from a Power greater than myself today? How?
I said the serenity prayer earlier today when faced with a situation where I was unsure how to proceed. Even if was more an exercise in taking a moment to pause for though rather than actively seeking divine inspiration I still found it useful and calming.
Have I sought help from my sponsor, gone to meetings, and reached out to other recoverying alcoholics/addicts? What were the results?
So far so good. I believe I am becoming sober in a fuller way that encompasses more than purely staying abstinent from alcohol. I think I am making some progress.
Step Two Part Five: Restoration to Sanity
What are some of the things I consider examples of sanity?
Responding rather than reacting. Taking time to think things through, to look at cause and effect, and determining ways to act accordingly ... and then following through! Taking time to work through things rather than opting for the "quick fix." Looking for perspective. Making better choices. Acting more consistently. Not expecting to get it 100% right!
What changes in my thinking and behaviour are necessary for my restoration to sanity?
I guess the the main change that needs to happen is to do with being less apathetic about change itself! A willingness to ask for help and act in line with advice given rather than thinking I can get by doing my own thing the whole time.
In what areas of my life do I need sanity right now?
I need to get over my resistance to actively doing the steps. I know they make sense. I can see that they work. And yet I find it really hard to follow through. Expecting to get the results without the work is not realistic and therefore not "sane."
How is restoration a process?
It takes time. It takes practise. It takes effort. It takes patience and compassion. It takes looking for progress and recognising where and when it is happening.
How will working the rest of the steps help me in my restoration to sanity?
I think having a Higher Power that acts as both a source of inspiration and wisdom will help to create momentum and much needed movement. Im not sure I am in a position to know exactly how working the steps will restore me to sanity except to say that by building a sober life I minimise my risk of returning to the outright insanity of drinking.
How has sanity already been restored to me in my recovery?
I am already making better decisions. I am learning new ways to cope with things without always resorting to avoidance behaviours. There's a long way to go though.
What expectations do I have about being restored to sanity? Are they realistic or unrealistic?
I hope my life will be better and that I will gain a sense of "wellness" and inner peace. Is that realistic? Well I don't expect to feel great every day. But I would like to feel more consistently sane.
Are my realistic expectations about how my recovery is progressing being met or not? Do I understand that recovery happens over time, not overnight?
I think so. It's hard to know if you are being realistic or not. I mean our thoughts are our own aren't they? Hoping is not the same as expecting. So I think my expectations are being met in that I am feeling generally OK some of the time. I feel "well" more of the time and occasionally feel more at peace.
Finding ourselves able to act sanely, even once, in a situation with which we were never able to deal successfully before is evidence of sanity. Have I had any experiences like that in my recovery? What were they?
Yes. When I started to spiral downwards into a depressive episode I went to the GP instead of not facing up to what was going on. I explained about my drinking history, and I got some medication and counselling support. I would never have done that in my drinking days, nor in early sobriety. AA is helping me to understand that I have to help myself more.
Responding rather than reacting. Taking time to think things through, to look at cause and effect, and determining ways to act accordingly ... and then following through! Taking time to work through things rather than opting for the "quick fix." Looking for perspective. Making better choices. Acting more consistently. Not expecting to get it 100% right!
What changes in my thinking and behaviour are necessary for my restoration to sanity?
I guess the the main change that needs to happen is to do with being less apathetic about change itself! A willingness to ask for help and act in line with advice given rather than thinking I can get by doing my own thing the whole time.
In what areas of my life do I need sanity right now?
I need to get over my resistance to actively doing the steps. I know they make sense. I can see that they work. And yet I find it really hard to follow through. Expecting to get the results without the work is not realistic and therefore not "sane."
How is restoration a process?
It takes time. It takes practise. It takes effort. It takes patience and compassion. It takes looking for progress and recognising where and when it is happening.
How will working the rest of the steps help me in my restoration to sanity?
I think having a Higher Power that acts as both a source of inspiration and wisdom will help to create momentum and much needed movement. Im not sure I am in a position to know exactly how working the steps will restore me to sanity except to say that by building a sober life I minimise my risk of returning to the outright insanity of drinking.
How has sanity already been restored to me in my recovery?
I am already making better decisions. I am learning new ways to cope with things without always resorting to avoidance behaviours. There's a long way to go though.
What expectations do I have about being restored to sanity? Are they realistic or unrealistic?
I hope my life will be better and that I will gain a sense of "wellness" and inner peace. Is that realistic? Well I don't expect to feel great every day. But I would like to feel more consistently sane.
Are my realistic expectations about how my recovery is progressing being met or not? Do I understand that recovery happens over time, not overnight?
I think so. It's hard to know if you are being realistic or not. I mean our thoughts are our own aren't they? Hoping is not the same as expecting. So I think my expectations are being met in that I am feeling generally OK some of the time. I feel "well" more of the time and occasionally feel more at peace.
Finding ourselves able to act sanely, even once, in a situation with which we were never able to deal successfully before is evidence of sanity. Have I had any experiences like that in my recovery? What were they?
Yes. When I started to spiral downwards into a depressive episode I went to the GP instead of not facing up to what was going on. I explained about my drinking history, and I got some medication and counselling support. I would never have done that in my drinking days, nor in early sobriety. AA is helping me to understand that I have to help myself more.
Step Two Part Four: A Power Greater Than Ourselves
Do I have problems accepting that there is a Power or Powers greater than myself?
Not in the broad sense no. I don't have any problem with Powers I can see, comprehend or find evidence for ... it's supernatural / deistic-type Powers I have problems with accepting.
What are some things that are more powerful than I am?
Any organisation, governing or regulatory body, any group of people, or in some cases an exceptional individual ... these and more are all more powerful than me.
Can a Power greater than myself help me to stay sober? How?
Yes. A group of people who have gone through recovery themselves are bound to have a broad insight into how to recover. They may not have all the answers individually but as a group there is a wealth of experience to draw on. They can offer insights and guidance but I still have to take those things on board and use them. I don't think it's enough just to go to meetings although I did think so to start with.
Can a Power greater than myself help me to recover? How?
There is a difference between recovering and staying sober. This is actually what drew me to start attending AA meetings, because I was already abstinent but wanted to actively start some kind of recovery process ... by which I mean recovering myself as a person ... becoming more "whole".
A Power greater than myself can help me recover in much the same way as it can help me to stay sober. I can work through the steps, I can listen and learn from others, I can practise spiritual principles and I can try to lead an ethical life.
What evidence do I have that a Higher Power is working in my life?
I attend meetings. I learn from what I hear and see. I talk to other AA's and learn from them too. I believe I am making progress and becoming a more "sober" person. I attribute much of that to what I've learnt both within meetings and through the people I've met and talked to. I am learning specifically to "hand things over" where things are not within my remit of control.
What are the characteristics that my Higher Power does NOT have?
I don't really know. I'm torn about what form my Higher Poewer should take. Some kind of combination of the collective wisdom as emplified by AA's 12 Step Program and The Universe itself. Seems kind of silly but a spiritual higher power is what I'm trying to define here.
The characterisitics my HP does not have are;
Not in the broad sense no. I don't have any problem with Powers I can see, comprehend or find evidence for ... it's supernatural / deistic-type Powers I have problems with accepting.
What are some things that are more powerful than I am?
Any organisation, governing or regulatory body, any group of people, or in some cases an exceptional individual ... these and more are all more powerful than me.
Can a Power greater than myself help me to stay sober? How?
Yes. A group of people who have gone through recovery themselves are bound to have a broad insight into how to recover. They may not have all the answers individually but as a group there is a wealth of experience to draw on. They can offer insights and guidance but I still have to take those things on board and use them. I don't think it's enough just to go to meetings although I did think so to start with.
Can a Power greater than myself help me to recover? How?
There is a difference between recovering and staying sober. This is actually what drew me to start attending AA meetings, because I was already abstinent but wanted to actively start some kind of recovery process ... by which I mean recovering myself as a person ... becoming more "whole".
A Power greater than myself can help me recover in much the same way as it can help me to stay sober. I can work through the steps, I can listen and learn from others, I can practise spiritual principles and I can try to lead an ethical life.
What evidence do I have that a Higher Power is working in my life?
I attend meetings. I learn from what I hear and see. I talk to other AA's and learn from them too. I believe I am making progress and becoming a more "sober" person. I attribute much of that to what I've learnt both within meetings and through the people I've met and talked to. I am learning specifically to "hand things over" where things are not within my remit of control.
What are the characteristics that my Higher Power does NOT have?
I don't really know. I'm torn about what form my Higher Poewer should take. Some kind of combination of the collective wisdom as emplified by AA's 12 Step Program and The Universe itself. Seems kind of silly but a spiritual higher power is what I'm trying to define here.
The characterisitics my HP does not have are;
- does not intervene directly in my life
- does not rob me of choice
- is not a deity or divine
- is a source of hope, wisdom, courage and inspiration.
Step Two Part Three: Coming to Believe
Do I have any fears about coming to believe?
I am afraid of everything! Do I have any fears about coming to believe? Yes, I do. Specifically I am scared that I might come to believe but it won't be enough ... that my difficulty in taking a leap of faith might dilute my belief to such an extent as to render it impotent ... or that I will not be able to sustain my belief because I haven't founded it on something that will withstand scrutiny or my own questioning in difficult times.
I am scared that it won't work basically.
Do I have any barriers that make it difficult to believe? What are they?
I am unsure that I can ever believe again in any kind of supernatural spiritual being. Having had faith in the past and having been devastated by the gradual realisation that it was bogus I am not sure I even want to try to believe in anything beyond what I can see.
Having been to many meetings now I have come to see that others in AA with decades of sobriety do not ascribe supernatural attributes to their Higher Power. I am unclear whether this is considered "second best" compared to those able to believe in a deity but it seems from the literature that there is an underlying assumption that the development of a spiritual life will eventually lead to a spiritual awakening. Whether or not this depends on believing in some supernatural power remains to be seen but it is a strong reservation and therefore a barrier in my mind.
It's hard to be open minded about this stuff. Once bitten twice shy and all that. I think having had and lost a faith makes it more difficult but not necessarily impossible.
What does the phrase "we came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity" mean to me?
I heard at a meeting recently that the operative word in this step is "could". Thus all we have to do really is to allow for the possibility that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Well, I can do that.
Have I ever believed in anything for which I didn't have tangible evidence? What was that experience like?
I believed for some years in a Christian God and a bible based doctrine. I lived in a community of like minded believers. I was mostly happy and content in my life at that time although I did drink back then and even after I stopped drinking I smoked dope on occasion whilst living there.
My experience there was that a belief in something "out there" was very comforting ... that living with like minded believers was very affirming ... that doing good works made me feel good about myself ... that joining in with others persuing similar goals created feelings of purpose and well-being ... but that it was not sustainable in that the belief system could not withstand scrutiny because there was no actual evidence that any of it was true.
The apparent inconsistencies in the belief system adhered to within the community started me in a process of questioning that ultimately led to me having not only a crisis of faith, but acting in a way contrary to the doctrine of teh fellowship ... which led to me being asked to choose between continuing on my chosen path and leaving ... or staying and conforming behaviourly to the biblical principles as interpretted by the fellowship elders. I left.
What experiences have I heard from other recovering alcoholics/addicts share about the process of coming to believe? Have I tried any of them in my life?
The one thing that has helped me most is that I've met others who do not have a deity as their Higher Power. They came to believe that AA could restore them to sanity ... or that the collective wisdom as outlined in the 12 step programme could restore them to sanity.
Quite a few people have shared that they pray despite not believing in a deity. I found that quite "jarring" at first. People said "pray if you believe and pray if you don't believe". Again I felt quite resitant to this idea. But then I do really like the Serenity Prayer and I do find myself repeating it to myself during the day. I do pray despite my loss of faith because sometimes I just don't know what else to do.
I think the thing that helps me as well as hearing from others sharing about their none-deity Higher Powers is that all that is required is a willingness to believe ... a willingness to try to believe even. I know how closed off my mind is sometimes and I am determined to try to keep it open. I need this to work and if that means trying to believe then I am going to try.
In what do I believe?
I believe that AA can work. I believe that trying to be a decent person counts for something, and that treating others as you'd like to be treated as at the core of practising decency. I believe that I am recovering although clearly I am still in recovery infancy.
How has my belief grown since I've been in recovery?
When I first came to AA I wasn't sure it could work for someone like me. I guess we all think we are uniquely ill suited to a "one size fits all" approach and that's what I thought AA was. So I came with many reservations and although I tried to keep an open mind there were elements of what I saw and heard that confirmed my worst fears ... and yet also other things that confirmed that I was in the right place if I wanted to change my life for the better. I think my belief in the latter has grown even though some reservations remain.
I am afraid of everything! Do I have any fears about coming to believe? Yes, I do. Specifically I am scared that I might come to believe but it won't be enough ... that my difficulty in taking a leap of faith might dilute my belief to such an extent as to render it impotent ... or that I will not be able to sustain my belief because I haven't founded it on something that will withstand scrutiny or my own questioning in difficult times.
I am scared that it won't work basically.
Do I have any barriers that make it difficult to believe? What are they?
I am unsure that I can ever believe again in any kind of supernatural spiritual being. Having had faith in the past and having been devastated by the gradual realisation that it was bogus I am not sure I even want to try to believe in anything beyond what I can see.
Having been to many meetings now I have come to see that others in AA with decades of sobriety do not ascribe supernatural attributes to their Higher Power. I am unclear whether this is considered "second best" compared to those able to believe in a deity but it seems from the literature that there is an underlying assumption that the development of a spiritual life will eventually lead to a spiritual awakening. Whether or not this depends on believing in some supernatural power remains to be seen but it is a strong reservation and therefore a barrier in my mind.
It's hard to be open minded about this stuff. Once bitten twice shy and all that. I think having had and lost a faith makes it more difficult but not necessarily impossible.
What does the phrase "we came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity" mean to me?
I heard at a meeting recently that the operative word in this step is "could". Thus all we have to do really is to allow for the possibility that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Well, I can do that.
Have I ever believed in anything for which I didn't have tangible evidence? What was that experience like?
I believed for some years in a Christian God and a bible based doctrine. I lived in a community of like minded believers. I was mostly happy and content in my life at that time although I did drink back then and even after I stopped drinking I smoked dope on occasion whilst living there.
My experience there was that a belief in something "out there" was very comforting ... that living with like minded believers was very affirming ... that doing good works made me feel good about myself ... that joining in with others persuing similar goals created feelings of purpose and well-being ... but that it was not sustainable in that the belief system could not withstand scrutiny because there was no actual evidence that any of it was true.
The apparent inconsistencies in the belief system adhered to within the community started me in a process of questioning that ultimately led to me having not only a crisis of faith, but acting in a way contrary to the doctrine of teh fellowship ... which led to me being asked to choose between continuing on my chosen path and leaving ... or staying and conforming behaviourly to the biblical principles as interpretted by the fellowship elders. I left.
What experiences have I heard from other recovering alcoholics/addicts share about the process of coming to believe? Have I tried any of them in my life?
The one thing that has helped me most is that I've met others who do not have a deity as their Higher Power. They came to believe that AA could restore them to sanity ... or that the collective wisdom as outlined in the 12 step programme could restore them to sanity.
Quite a few people have shared that they pray despite not believing in a deity. I found that quite "jarring" at first. People said "pray if you believe and pray if you don't believe". Again I felt quite resitant to this idea. But then I do really like the Serenity Prayer and I do find myself repeating it to myself during the day. I do pray despite my loss of faith because sometimes I just don't know what else to do.
I think the thing that helps me as well as hearing from others sharing about their none-deity Higher Powers is that all that is required is a willingness to believe ... a willingness to try to believe even. I know how closed off my mind is sometimes and I am determined to try to keep it open. I need this to work and if that means trying to believe then I am going to try.
In what do I believe?
I believe that AA can work. I believe that trying to be a decent person counts for something, and that treating others as you'd like to be treated as at the core of practising decency. I believe that I am recovering although clearly I am still in recovery infancy.
How has my belief grown since I've been in recovery?
When I first came to AA I wasn't sure it could work for someone like me. I guess we all think we are uniquely ill suited to a "one size fits all" approach and that's what I thought AA was. So I came with many reservations and although I tried to keep an open mind there were elements of what I saw and heard that confirmed my worst fears ... and yet also other things that confirmed that I was in the right place if I wanted to change my life for the better. I think my belief in the latter has grown even though some reservations remain.
Step Two Part Two: Insanity
Did I believe I could control my drinking? What were some of the experiences with this, and how were my efforts unsuccessful?
I tried for quite some time to control my drinking. I thought what I wanted to be able to do was to have a "proper drink" once in a while ... to have a moderate drink in social situations ... and to not drink the rest of the time. I was kidding myself really though because what I really wanted to do was to drink to get trashed without it being a problem to do so ... and without any of the consequences of doing so.
I believed for a long time that I could control my drinking if I could only try hard enough and be more consistent in my efforts. I'd set up rules and boundaries and then almost immediately set out to break these down by fabricating or creating exigent circumstances. I didn't seem able to recognise that I was in fact self sabatoging. It was like there were two of me, one that mostly wanted to do the right thing (but not enough obviously) and another part of me that just wanted to get wasted to escape from reality and life altogether.
So I'd make a rule, try to convince myself that this would then "allow" me to drink within limits and thus exercise some kind of control ... all the while knowing that what I wanted out of drinking was the "out-of-controlled-ness" and mind numbingness ... yet I seemed unable to acknowledge this was my motivation for drinking most of the time.
When I joined BrightEye I did so because I recognised that my drinking was problematic. I wanted to regain "control" ... or so I thought ... at least on some level. I think I was so mired in addictive thinking that I was unable to distinguish rational from irrational thought patterns as they occured in my mind. I didn't really feel in control of myself let alone my drinking, and was scared/anxious most of the time. I must have felt pretty desparate because I reached out for help ... albeit in a non face-to-face environment where my anonymity was assured. Even so, I signed up and started posting on the forum.
At the time I asserted with quite some vigour that this control thing was about choice. I firmly believed that control was a matter of learning consistency in the act of choosing. I believed that I had choice even whilst drinking, to stop after a few drinks ... or to carry on. What I failed to take into account was how compromised my ability to exercise choice had become ... and how further compromised it became with every glass of alcohol.
I could feel the compulsion or 'phenomenon of craving' as the Big Book describes it but I prescribed my own antedote ... more rules, stronger boundaries, grander and grander Master Plans that were going to help me sort this out ... sort this out without me having to change very much at all other than not drinking! It seems like irrationality and an unwillingness to contemplate fundamental change go hand in hand with me. Both are deeply rooted in my fear and anxiety of not measuring up.
It didn't seem to matter to me that all previous Master Plans had failed abysmally. I thought or rather hoped that the failing lay in the plans themselves rather than in me. Part of detaching from reality for me was the amount of time I spent wishing my life was different and fantasising about how it might be if only I could magically resolve all my issues and become this entirely different person. The unrealistic nature of these thoughts and the obsessive way I mull them over is something that I still find difficult to put to one side so I can look to see what is rather than what I wish could be.
My efforts at control were largely unsuccessful because fundamentally I didn't want controlled drinking. I wanted to drink to get drunk.
What things did I do that I can hardly believe I did when I look back at them?
I feel a lot of shame about some of the things I've done whilst drinking. I also feel a lot of bewilderment that I allowed myself to act in such ways.
I used to visit Jan knowing that there was an entirely unhealthy aspect to our "friendship" besides the fact that it was almost completely a friendship based on drinking stacks and stacks of wine. I told her so many lies and fabricated this whole different persona ... a different Jos altogether, with a different life, lots of friends, a different past and a very different present. We both played mind games although at the time I didn't really understand that this is what we were doing. I think we both quite enjoyed the private little bubble we created. I knew I wasn't any good at this stuff and knew too that I wasn't able to handle it. It was a bit like my drinking ... I kind of liked the out-of-controlled-ness of our relationship and her wildness. I'd never had anyone persue a friendship with me in quite the determined way that she did. She seemed very "cool" and sophisticated to me. On some level I knew there was likely to be a sexual element to our friendship because there were things she did and said that seemed "off" to me. She talked openly and very positively about my body and stuff like that in a way that I'd never heard before, and certainly not from women friends. It made me uncomfortable but I thought perhaps this was just something where I was being niave and a bit stupid.
When Jan & I slept together it was at her instigation but there's no doubt in my mind that I wanted to s well. I don't remember ever seriously contemplating that this would happen but I do remember trying to figure out the apparent incongruity between some of the things she said and did ... and the huge amount of unsaid stuff that might have been inferred but because of my inexperience I just couldn't seem to read the signals. I was pretty sure I'd got my wires crossed completely so I was surprised when she kissed me and further surprised that she wanted to develop that into further intimacy.
At the time I don't think I was prepared for the emotional fallout of this sequence of events and even now in retrospect it remains something that feels very large and wrong. Not only in terms of my unfaithfulness although that in itself produces it's own share of guilt and shame ... but also in terms of Jan herself. The risks we took by becoming intimate whilst staying at her house with her children upstairs were far more potentially devastating for her than for me. I'd hate to think what would have happened if we'd have been caught as I can't see how her sons would not have told their father.
This remains the outstanding thing that I can't believe I did whilst drinking. Not only has it left me deeply ambiguous in terms of my own sexuality but also it's undermined any belief I had in my own integrity. I believe that manogamous faithfulness within marriage is important, so too honesty and trust. And yet I broke with all these tennants without a second thought ... and more than once. I would never have believed that I was capable of acting in this way.
Did I put myself in dangerous situations to get alcohol?
I've never drunk and then immediately got in the car to drive. I have driven after short amounts of sleep whilst knowing I was over the limit. In effect I drove whilst still drunk but not to get more alcohol ... just to get to work.
I can't remember a time when I put myself in a dangerous situation to get alcohol. We always had a pretty full wine rack, and wine cellar ... pretty full spirits collection too. No shortages were permitted to occur as we kept an eye out for bargains and bulk bought at cash & carry wine merchants.
Did I behave in ways of which I'm now ashamed? What were those situations like?
By far the most shameful things I did were in my relationship/friendship with Jan. At the time I felt completely obsessed with her and couldn't seem to think rationally or logically. I don't know what I thought would happen as a result of our intimacy but it knocked me of kilter for a long time afterwards. It remains my shameful secret and although we've not kept in touch exccept indirectly through mutual friends I believe she has kept it secret too although I can't be sure. I worry that I have harmed her, and wonder about how I might go about making ammends. I also wonder whether she was just playing games and having screwed around with my head has now moved on to biger and better things. I worry as well that if I were to try and stay in contact then I would once again fall into that obsessiveness that I felt before. I recognise the unhealthiness in my thinking when I'm recalling these events and I see how easily I fell into a level of obsessiveness I didn't really comprehend at the time.
The way I felt when it was all going on is hard to describe. It felt out of control. There was a lot of confusion in my mind ... a lot of wanting and not wanting at the same time. Right and wrong just didn't figure in my thinking and it just seemed to snowball into an obsessiveness out of all proportion with the events themselves.
Did I make insane decisions as a result of my addiction? Did I quit jobs, leave friendships and other relationships, or give up on achieving other goals for no reason other that that those things interfered with my drinking?
Over the years I became more and more reclusive. Never was that comfortable around people anyway, so I preferred solitude and certainly when it came to drinking. I liked drinking with Trev well enough but my true preference was to drink alone. As such I let friendships lapse through neglect and through willful action by continually cancelling things at the last second and making up reasons because I couldn't tell the truth, which was that I'd either already drunk too much to drive, or was about to drink and didn't want to do anything other than drink despite having prior commitments elsewhere.
Did I physically injure myself or someone else in my addiction?
I used to sit in the bath sometimes and look at all the bruises wondering how on earth I'd got them all. UDI's (unexplained drinking injuires) I called them. I'm lucky that it wasn't worse, and even more lucky that no-one was ever physically injured through my drinking. I recognise completely that this was more through luck than judgement.
How have I over/under reacted to things?
I think it's quite clear that I both over and under-react to things. I over-reacted completely to the whole Jan episode and the aftermath of that was many months of wallowing in pointless guilt remorse and shame. Didn't stop me drinking though and in some ways my drinking became even more desparate as I tried to escape myself by drinking even more to excess.
I know I am too thin skinned and overly sensitive to criticism, either real or implied. I over-react when faced with difficulties of any sort, usually thinking that I will not be able to cope and will make whatever situation I'm faced with even worse. I get angry very quickly and often it's out of all proportion to the issue that triggered my annoyance. It's like anything that annoys me is only a tiny step away from being intolerable ... which is how I'd justify flying into a stupid rage about things.
The converse is also true in that when things happen that demand a response from me I tend to under-react as a kind of fear based paralysis sets in. I sometimes fail to respond because I'm scared that my inadequacy to cope will be exposed. I don't want people to rely on me in areas where I feel I might let them down, so I tend to shy away even when I know that it's inappropriate.
There are also times when I just can't be bothered and that feeling in some respects bears little or no relation to the gravity of the matter at hand. So I can react like that in grave situations just because I feel jaded within myself regardless of issues of friendship, commitment, loyalty, right and wrong or anything else really. In other words supremely selfish at such times.
How has my life been out of balance?
In so many ways that I can't begin to count them. I think I've always felt this deep unease within myself and sought ways to ease it ... always through things outside myself ... until relatively recently it's never been about changing myself, just changing the way I feel. The consequence is that I've not looked forward enough or with sufficient clarity to see the consequences of such selfishness and self centeredness. One cannot live in such isolation and not end up functionally alone.
In what way does my insanity tell me that things outside myself can make me whole or solve all my problems? Using drugs or alcohol? Compulsive gambling, eating or sex seeking? Something else?
I think avoidance strategies have been my way of dealing with things my whole life. I don't really discriminate between drinking, smoking dope, and other forms of hiding out from life. I do / did them for much the same reason ... and regardless of the consequences. I put feeling better in the moment above other considerations and would rather hide out than face up to stuff even though it means that nothing ever gets resolved. Anxiety is thus perpetuated and yet still I seek to solve my problems by running away from them.
Is part of my insanity the belief that the symptoms of my addiction (using drugs/alcohol or some other manifestation) is my only problem?
I did think that my life would become better than it has by stopping drinking but I was under no illusion that drinking per se was my only problem. Far from it. I felt that drinking helped me to cope with my other problems when in fact all it did was help me not to face up to them. Since stopping drinking I've become acutely aware that the way I think, act and feel are still very tied up in unhealthy patterns and it is this I am seeking to resolve through working the steps programme.
When we acted on an obsession, even though we knew what the results would be, what were we feeling and thinking beforehand? What made us go ahead?
I still have mental tussles about the most ridiculous things that go round and round in my mind. I don't really understand how one breaks out of this tendancy to obsessiveness except to keep trying to break the patterns as I become aware of them and not give myself too hard a time about having them in the first place.
I think whenever I've acted on an obsession I've first gone through a process of detaching from the reality of the situation and the likely outcomes / consequences. This sounds like a clinical assessment for what is in fact a very messy and confusing set of thought patterns that basically have me doing mental gymnastics whilst I try to juggle competing and self contradicory justifications (denial) why it's OK to act on an obsession 'this time' in very much the same way that I did when I was drinking. It's the "this time" element in my thinking that is so consistently a clue that I am in fact acting on an obsession rather than acting in line with rational reasoning.
It feels to some degree like something that helps me feel more in control. Like my "internet habit". I know I spend far too much time on there and I don't feel I can control it ... and yet when I'm on the internet I feel quite calm and in control. I like that feeling and the way it helps me to block out other stuff that I should be getting on with.
So, denial, then the justification followed by the action ... that's the pattern as I see it. I carry through to the action because I want to feel better in the moment even though I know it's likely to be transitory at best ... and even knowing that I am becoming entrenched in yet more problematic habitual behaviours driven by fear.
I tried for quite some time to control my drinking. I thought what I wanted to be able to do was to have a "proper drink" once in a while ... to have a moderate drink in social situations ... and to not drink the rest of the time. I was kidding myself really though because what I really wanted to do was to drink to get trashed without it being a problem to do so ... and without any of the consequences of doing so.
I believed for a long time that I could control my drinking if I could only try hard enough and be more consistent in my efforts. I'd set up rules and boundaries and then almost immediately set out to break these down by fabricating or creating exigent circumstances. I didn't seem able to recognise that I was in fact self sabatoging. It was like there were two of me, one that mostly wanted to do the right thing (but not enough obviously) and another part of me that just wanted to get wasted to escape from reality and life altogether.
So I'd make a rule, try to convince myself that this would then "allow" me to drink within limits and thus exercise some kind of control ... all the while knowing that what I wanted out of drinking was the "out-of-controlled-ness" and mind numbingness ... yet I seemed unable to acknowledge this was my motivation for drinking most of the time.
When I joined BrightEye I did so because I recognised that my drinking was problematic. I wanted to regain "control" ... or so I thought ... at least on some level. I think I was so mired in addictive thinking that I was unable to distinguish rational from irrational thought patterns as they occured in my mind. I didn't really feel in control of myself let alone my drinking, and was scared/anxious most of the time. I must have felt pretty desparate because I reached out for help ... albeit in a non face-to-face environment where my anonymity was assured. Even so, I signed up and started posting on the forum.
At the time I asserted with quite some vigour that this control thing was about choice. I firmly believed that control was a matter of learning consistency in the act of choosing. I believed that I had choice even whilst drinking, to stop after a few drinks ... or to carry on. What I failed to take into account was how compromised my ability to exercise choice had become ... and how further compromised it became with every glass of alcohol.
I could feel the compulsion or 'phenomenon of craving' as the Big Book describes it but I prescribed my own antedote ... more rules, stronger boundaries, grander and grander Master Plans that were going to help me sort this out ... sort this out without me having to change very much at all other than not drinking! It seems like irrationality and an unwillingness to contemplate fundamental change go hand in hand with me. Both are deeply rooted in my fear and anxiety of not measuring up.
It didn't seem to matter to me that all previous Master Plans had failed abysmally. I thought or rather hoped that the failing lay in the plans themselves rather than in me. Part of detaching from reality for me was the amount of time I spent wishing my life was different and fantasising about how it might be if only I could magically resolve all my issues and become this entirely different person. The unrealistic nature of these thoughts and the obsessive way I mull them over is something that I still find difficult to put to one side so I can look to see what is rather than what I wish could be.
My efforts at control were largely unsuccessful because fundamentally I didn't want controlled drinking. I wanted to drink to get drunk.
What things did I do that I can hardly believe I did when I look back at them?
I feel a lot of shame about some of the things I've done whilst drinking. I also feel a lot of bewilderment that I allowed myself to act in such ways.
I used to visit Jan knowing that there was an entirely unhealthy aspect to our "friendship" besides the fact that it was almost completely a friendship based on drinking stacks and stacks of wine. I told her so many lies and fabricated this whole different persona ... a different Jos altogether, with a different life, lots of friends, a different past and a very different present. We both played mind games although at the time I didn't really understand that this is what we were doing. I think we both quite enjoyed the private little bubble we created. I knew I wasn't any good at this stuff and knew too that I wasn't able to handle it. It was a bit like my drinking ... I kind of liked the out-of-controlled-ness of our relationship and her wildness. I'd never had anyone persue a friendship with me in quite the determined way that she did. She seemed very "cool" and sophisticated to me. On some level I knew there was likely to be a sexual element to our friendship because there were things she did and said that seemed "off" to me. She talked openly and very positively about my body and stuff like that in a way that I'd never heard before, and certainly not from women friends. It made me uncomfortable but I thought perhaps this was just something where I was being niave and a bit stupid.
When Jan & I slept together it was at her instigation but there's no doubt in my mind that I wanted to s well. I don't remember ever seriously contemplating that this would happen but I do remember trying to figure out the apparent incongruity between some of the things she said and did ... and the huge amount of unsaid stuff that might have been inferred but because of my inexperience I just couldn't seem to read the signals. I was pretty sure I'd got my wires crossed completely so I was surprised when she kissed me and further surprised that she wanted to develop that into further intimacy.
At the time I don't think I was prepared for the emotional fallout of this sequence of events and even now in retrospect it remains something that feels very large and wrong. Not only in terms of my unfaithfulness although that in itself produces it's own share of guilt and shame ... but also in terms of Jan herself. The risks we took by becoming intimate whilst staying at her house with her children upstairs were far more potentially devastating for her than for me. I'd hate to think what would have happened if we'd have been caught as I can't see how her sons would not have told their father.
This remains the outstanding thing that I can't believe I did whilst drinking. Not only has it left me deeply ambiguous in terms of my own sexuality but also it's undermined any belief I had in my own integrity. I believe that manogamous faithfulness within marriage is important, so too honesty and trust. And yet I broke with all these tennants without a second thought ... and more than once. I would never have believed that I was capable of acting in this way.
Did I put myself in dangerous situations to get alcohol?
I've never drunk and then immediately got in the car to drive. I have driven after short amounts of sleep whilst knowing I was over the limit. In effect I drove whilst still drunk but not to get more alcohol ... just to get to work.
I can't remember a time when I put myself in a dangerous situation to get alcohol. We always had a pretty full wine rack, and wine cellar ... pretty full spirits collection too. No shortages were permitted to occur as we kept an eye out for bargains and bulk bought at cash & carry wine merchants.
Did I behave in ways of which I'm now ashamed? What were those situations like?
By far the most shameful things I did were in my relationship/friendship with Jan. At the time I felt completely obsessed with her and couldn't seem to think rationally or logically. I don't know what I thought would happen as a result of our intimacy but it knocked me of kilter for a long time afterwards. It remains my shameful secret and although we've not kept in touch exccept indirectly through mutual friends I believe she has kept it secret too although I can't be sure. I worry that I have harmed her, and wonder about how I might go about making ammends. I also wonder whether she was just playing games and having screwed around with my head has now moved on to biger and better things. I worry as well that if I were to try and stay in contact then I would once again fall into that obsessiveness that I felt before. I recognise the unhealthiness in my thinking when I'm recalling these events and I see how easily I fell into a level of obsessiveness I didn't really comprehend at the time.
The way I felt when it was all going on is hard to describe. It felt out of control. There was a lot of confusion in my mind ... a lot of wanting and not wanting at the same time. Right and wrong just didn't figure in my thinking and it just seemed to snowball into an obsessiveness out of all proportion with the events themselves.
Did I make insane decisions as a result of my addiction? Did I quit jobs, leave friendships and other relationships, or give up on achieving other goals for no reason other that that those things interfered with my drinking?
Over the years I became more and more reclusive. Never was that comfortable around people anyway, so I preferred solitude and certainly when it came to drinking. I liked drinking with Trev well enough but my true preference was to drink alone. As such I let friendships lapse through neglect and through willful action by continually cancelling things at the last second and making up reasons because I couldn't tell the truth, which was that I'd either already drunk too much to drive, or was about to drink and didn't want to do anything other than drink despite having prior commitments elsewhere.
Did I physically injure myself or someone else in my addiction?
I used to sit in the bath sometimes and look at all the bruises wondering how on earth I'd got them all. UDI's (unexplained drinking injuires) I called them. I'm lucky that it wasn't worse, and even more lucky that no-one was ever physically injured through my drinking. I recognise completely that this was more through luck than judgement.
How have I over/under reacted to things?
I think it's quite clear that I both over and under-react to things. I over-reacted completely to the whole Jan episode and the aftermath of that was many months of wallowing in pointless guilt remorse and shame. Didn't stop me drinking though and in some ways my drinking became even more desparate as I tried to escape myself by drinking even more to excess.
I know I am too thin skinned and overly sensitive to criticism, either real or implied. I over-react when faced with difficulties of any sort, usually thinking that I will not be able to cope and will make whatever situation I'm faced with even worse. I get angry very quickly and often it's out of all proportion to the issue that triggered my annoyance. It's like anything that annoys me is only a tiny step away from being intolerable ... which is how I'd justify flying into a stupid rage about things.
The converse is also true in that when things happen that demand a response from me I tend to under-react as a kind of fear based paralysis sets in. I sometimes fail to respond because I'm scared that my inadequacy to cope will be exposed. I don't want people to rely on me in areas where I feel I might let them down, so I tend to shy away even when I know that it's inappropriate.
There are also times when I just can't be bothered and that feeling in some respects bears little or no relation to the gravity of the matter at hand. So I can react like that in grave situations just because I feel jaded within myself regardless of issues of friendship, commitment, loyalty, right and wrong or anything else really. In other words supremely selfish at such times.
How has my life been out of balance?
In so many ways that I can't begin to count them. I think I've always felt this deep unease within myself and sought ways to ease it ... always through things outside myself ... until relatively recently it's never been about changing myself, just changing the way I feel. The consequence is that I've not looked forward enough or with sufficient clarity to see the consequences of such selfishness and self centeredness. One cannot live in such isolation and not end up functionally alone.
In what way does my insanity tell me that things outside myself can make me whole or solve all my problems? Using drugs or alcohol? Compulsive gambling, eating or sex seeking? Something else?
I think avoidance strategies have been my way of dealing with things my whole life. I don't really discriminate between drinking, smoking dope, and other forms of hiding out from life. I do / did them for much the same reason ... and regardless of the consequences. I put feeling better in the moment above other considerations and would rather hide out than face up to stuff even though it means that nothing ever gets resolved. Anxiety is thus perpetuated and yet still I seek to solve my problems by running away from them.
Is part of my insanity the belief that the symptoms of my addiction (using drugs/alcohol or some other manifestation) is my only problem?
I did think that my life would become better than it has by stopping drinking but I was under no illusion that drinking per se was my only problem. Far from it. I felt that drinking helped me to cope with my other problems when in fact all it did was help me not to face up to them. Since stopping drinking I've become acutely aware that the way I think, act and feel are still very tied up in unhealthy patterns and it is this I am seeking to resolve through working the steps programme.
When we acted on an obsession, even though we knew what the results would be, what were we feeling and thinking beforehand? What made us go ahead?
I still have mental tussles about the most ridiculous things that go round and round in my mind. I don't really understand how one breaks out of this tendancy to obsessiveness except to keep trying to break the patterns as I become aware of them and not give myself too hard a time about having them in the first place.
I think whenever I've acted on an obsession I've first gone through a process of detaching from the reality of the situation and the likely outcomes / consequences. This sounds like a clinical assessment for what is in fact a very messy and confusing set of thought patterns that basically have me doing mental gymnastics whilst I try to juggle competing and self contradicory justifications (denial) why it's OK to act on an obsession 'this time' in very much the same way that I did when I was drinking. It's the "this time" element in my thinking that is so consistently a clue that I am in fact acting on an obsession rather than acting in line with rational reasoning.
It feels to some degree like something that helps me feel more in control. Like my "internet habit". I know I spend far too much time on there and I don't feel I can control it ... and yet when I'm on the internet I feel quite calm and in control. I like that feeling and the way it helps me to block out other stuff that I should be getting on with.
So, denial, then the justification followed by the action ... that's the pattern as I see it. I carry through to the action because I want to feel better in the moment even though I know it's likely to be transitory at best ... and even knowing that I am becoming entrenched in yet more problematic habitual behaviours driven by fear.
Step Two Part One: Hope
What do I hope about today?
I hope that I can work the steps and learn to apply the principles consistently. I hope that I can learn to live a happy sober life rather than solely an abstinent one. I hope to become more "whole" as a person.
I hope that I can work the steps and learn to apply the principles consistently. I hope that I can learn to live a happy sober life rather than solely an abstinent one. I hope to become more "whole" as a person.
Step One Part Nine: Moving On
How do I know it is time to move on?
I don't. I need to talk this out with someone in AA that I trust.
What is my understanding of Step One?
My understanding of step one is that it is centered around the accepting at a deep level the cause-effect relationship between my life problems and my drinking problem. That I have a problem and it is addiction. It affects the way I think, feel and act and it is not limited to whether I actively drink or not. Taking drink out of the equation helps but it doesn't constitute recovery, it only enables it.
I also know that Step One involves understanding the concept of powerlessness in regard to my addiction. I know that once I start drinking I am gripped my a compulsion to drink more and more. In that situation I am powerless over my addiction.
For me the unmanageablilty was more a matter of what goes on in my inner life as my outward life does not look all that bad. I still have my job, my marriage, our house. On the inside though I recognise the unmanageability and particularly with regard to my emotions and ways of thinking.
Someone said recently that it is alcoholism not alcoholwasm. That once you become an alcholic you always will be one. So returning to drinking is not an option unless I want all that comes along with it. Which I don't.
How has my prior knowledge and experience affected my work on this step?
In that we are always affected by our knowledge and experience, yes. I have tried to learn from the experience of others too though and particularly from listening to others in meetings and informal chats about recovery. I think modelling the success of others negates the need to re-invent the wheel ... but that this has to be balanced against the need to make things real in our own lives.
I don't. I need to talk this out with someone in AA that I trust.
What is my understanding of Step One?
My understanding of step one is that it is centered around the accepting at a deep level the cause-effect relationship between my life problems and my drinking problem. That I have a problem and it is addiction. It affects the way I think, feel and act and it is not limited to whether I actively drink or not. Taking drink out of the equation helps but it doesn't constitute recovery, it only enables it.
I also know that Step One involves understanding the concept of powerlessness in regard to my addiction. I know that once I start drinking I am gripped my a compulsion to drink more and more. In that situation I am powerless over my addiction.
For me the unmanageablilty was more a matter of what goes on in my inner life as my outward life does not look all that bad. I still have my job, my marriage, our house. On the inside though I recognise the unmanageability and particularly with regard to my emotions and ways of thinking.
Someone said recently that it is alcoholism not alcoholwasm. That once you become an alcholic you always will be one. So returning to drinking is not an option unless I want all that comes along with it. Which I don't.
How has my prior knowledge and experience affected my work on this step?
In that we are always affected by our knowledge and experience, yes. I have tried to learn from the experience of others too though and particularly from listening to others in meetings and informal chats about recovery. I think modelling the success of others negates the need to re-invent the wheel ... but that this has to be balanced against the need to make things real in our own lives.
Step One Part Eight: Spiritual Principles
If I've been thinking about drinking or acting out my addiction in some other way, have I shared it with my sponsor or told anyone else?
I am lucky that I have a number of "sobriety buddies" and friends, both in AA and elsewhere. I chat regularly with these people about everyday stuff as well as recovery. I have started making more friends in AA which is helping me to not isolate and try to "go it alone". I know from experience that I find it hard to talk about my personall stuff and particularly feelings, hard even to understand them well enough to discuss them coherently. It is something I am practising though.
Have I stayed in touch with the reality of my disease, no matter how long I've had free from active addiction?
I think this is an aspect that I've only recently started to understand. The idea that I will always be an addict/alcoholic had not really occured to me. I thought recovery led to being fully recovered.
Have I noticed that, now that I don't have to cover up my addiction, I no longer have to lie like I did? Do I appreciate the freedom that goes along with that? In what ways have I begun to be honest in my recovery?
It is a huge relief not to feel I have to keep various lies and stories going just in order to cover my tracks and disguise my drinking. I am starting to share more in meetings, and with other people in AA and elsewhere. I am learning to be more honest about what I'm thinking and/or feeling. I think I'm making some progress in this regard.
What have I heard in recovery that I have trouble believing? Have I asked my sponsor, or the person I heard say it, explain it to me?
Some of the stock phrases grate on me a bit. Like "you know what happens to people who don't come to meetings? They drink". That kind of finger wagging approach doesn't sit well with me. I know quite a few long term sober people who wouldn't dream of going to AA or who've tried it and decided it wasn't for them.
I do also struggle with the disease model to some extent. I think I need to understand this better in order to believe it.
In what ways am I practising open-mindedness?
The "spiritual" nature of this program is the crux of it. As a non-religious person I am trying to remain open minded about what spirituality means and how it applies to me.
Am I willing to follow my sponsor's direction?
Not without question, no. I think it is reasonable to ask questions in order to understand what is being asked before agreeing to act or follow instructions. But other than that, yes.
Am I willing to go to meetings regularly?
Yes.
Am I willing to give recovery my best effort? In what ways?
I am willing to work the steps, to try to understand the principles involved and apply them, and I am willing to help anyone else in a mutually supportive way.
Do I believe that I'm a monster who has poisoned the whole world with my addiction? Do I believe that my addiction is utterly inconsequential to the larger society around me? Or something in between?
I think society loses when any of it's members stay needlessly sick. So I'd say the answer is something in between.
Do I have a sense of my relative importance within my circle of family and friends? In society as a whole? What is that sense?
I am as important to my family and friends as they are to me. I am a single member of society so obviously very unimportant in the overall scheme of things. I vote and I pay taxes. I work and contribute to economic growth.
How am I practising the principle of humility in connection with this work on the First Step?
I am glad I heard someone explain humility as a willingness to learn. This whole exercise of working step one has been a learning experience.
Have I made peace with the fact that I am an alcoholic?
Yes.
Have I made peace with the things I'll have to do to stay sober?
I think so.
How is my acceptance of my disease necessary for my continued recovery?
I think knowing I have developed an addiction is not enough. I have to take responsibility for ensuring that I recover from both active addiction and thinking, feeling and acting in an addictive way. I don't think AA is a quick fix but I do think the steps offer a structured aproach to recovery.
Accepting my disease is necessary because without that acceptance I am very likely to go back to wasting a lot of time and energy on the whole "maybe I really can control my drinking" way of thinking with the inherent cycles of stop start drinking. I've done enough of that.
I am lucky that I have a number of "sobriety buddies" and friends, both in AA and elsewhere. I chat regularly with these people about everyday stuff as well as recovery. I have started making more friends in AA which is helping me to not isolate and try to "go it alone". I know from experience that I find it hard to talk about my personall stuff and particularly feelings, hard even to understand them well enough to discuss them coherently. It is something I am practising though.
Have I stayed in touch with the reality of my disease, no matter how long I've had free from active addiction?
I think this is an aspect that I've only recently started to understand. The idea that I will always be an addict/alcoholic had not really occured to me. I thought recovery led to being fully recovered.
Have I noticed that, now that I don't have to cover up my addiction, I no longer have to lie like I did? Do I appreciate the freedom that goes along with that? In what ways have I begun to be honest in my recovery?
It is a huge relief not to feel I have to keep various lies and stories going just in order to cover my tracks and disguise my drinking. I am starting to share more in meetings, and with other people in AA and elsewhere. I am learning to be more honest about what I'm thinking and/or feeling. I think I'm making some progress in this regard.
What have I heard in recovery that I have trouble believing? Have I asked my sponsor, or the person I heard say it, explain it to me?
Some of the stock phrases grate on me a bit. Like "you know what happens to people who don't come to meetings? They drink". That kind of finger wagging approach doesn't sit well with me. I know quite a few long term sober people who wouldn't dream of going to AA or who've tried it and decided it wasn't for them.
I do also struggle with the disease model to some extent. I think I need to understand this better in order to believe it.
In what ways am I practising open-mindedness?
The "spiritual" nature of this program is the crux of it. As a non-religious person I am trying to remain open minded about what spirituality means and how it applies to me.
Am I willing to follow my sponsor's direction?
Not without question, no. I think it is reasonable to ask questions in order to understand what is being asked before agreeing to act or follow instructions. But other than that, yes.
Am I willing to go to meetings regularly?
Yes.
Am I willing to give recovery my best effort? In what ways?
I am willing to work the steps, to try to understand the principles involved and apply them, and I am willing to help anyone else in a mutually supportive way.
Do I believe that I'm a monster who has poisoned the whole world with my addiction? Do I believe that my addiction is utterly inconsequential to the larger society around me? Or something in between?
I think society loses when any of it's members stay needlessly sick. So I'd say the answer is something in between.
Do I have a sense of my relative importance within my circle of family and friends? In society as a whole? What is that sense?
I am as important to my family and friends as they are to me. I am a single member of society so obviously very unimportant in the overall scheme of things. I vote and I pay taxes. I work and contribute to economic growth.
How am I practising the principle of humility in connection with this work on the First Step?
I am glad I heard someone explain humility as a willingness to learn. This whole exercise of working step one has been a learning experience.
Have I made peace with the fact that I am an alcoholic?
Yes.
Have I made peace with the things I'll have to do to stay sober?
I think so.
How is my acceptance of my disease necessary for my continued recovery?
I think knowing I have developed an addiction is not enough. I have to take responsibility for ensuring that I recover from both active addiction and thinking, feeling and acting in an addictive way. I don't think AA is a quick fix but I do think the steps offer a structured aproach to recovery.
Accepting my disease is necessary because without that acceptance I am very likely to go back to wasting a lot of time and energy on the whole "maybe I really can control my drinking" way of thinking with the inherent cycles of stop start drinking. I've done enough of that.
Step One Part Seven: Surrender
What am I afraid of about the concept of surrender if anything?
I think the only thing that really frightens me is that I will be required to dis-engage my ability to think and reason ... and instead take some kind of leap of faith. If I can see a reason and understand the underlying principle then fair enough. If not, then I k now I will struggle.
What convinces me that I can't drink successfully any more?
I have tried cutting down. I have tried controlled drinking. I have tried abstinence. Of these three only abstinence gave me anything resembling peace. I want to learn to be sober which is more than abstinence. I want to learn to irradicate my addictive thoughts, feelings and actions.
Do I accept that I'll never re-gain control, even after a long period of abstinence?
Yes I do.
Can I begin my recovery without complete surrender?
I think I started my recovery long before I came to AA. I think continuing my recovery without surrender is the present challenge.
What would my life be like if I surrendered completely?
I think I would have more peace.
Can I continue my recovery without complete surrender?
I think my recovery would stall without surrender.
I think the only thing that really frightens me is that I will be required to dis-engage my ability to think and reason ... and instead take some kind of leap of faith. If I can see a reason and understand the underlying principle then fair enough. If not, then I k now I will struggle.
What convinces me that I can't drink successfully any more?
I have tried cutting down. I have tried controlled drinking. I have tried abstinence. Of these three only abstinence gave me anything resembling peace. I want to learn to be sober which is more than abstinence. I want to learn to irradicate my addictive thoughts, feelings and actions.
Do I accept that I'll never re-gain control, even after a long period of abstinence?
Yes I do.
Can I begin my recovery without complete surrender?
I think I started my recovery long before I came to AA. I think continuing my recovery without surrender is the present challenge.
What would my life be like if I surrendered completely?
I think I would have more peace.
Can I continue my recovery without complete surrender?
I think my recovery would stall without surrender.
Step One Part Six: Reservations
Have I accepted the full measure of my disease?
I absolutely recognise that I've got an addiction, and that this means that I will never be "safe" to drink again. I have tried numerous times and using various strategies to control my drinking and none of it worked.
Do I think I can still associate with people connected with my addiction? Can I still go to the place where I drank? Do I think it's wise to keep alcohol around, just to "remind myself" or test my recovery? If so, why?
Given that quite a lot of my drinking happened with my husband, who still drinks I am unsure about how to answer this question. I do still associate with our friends, most of whom drink. Do I think I can do this safely? Yes, as long as I am working on my recovery I think it is OK to do so.
We do have alcohol in the house. The "call of the wine rack" used to really play on my mind in the early months of abstinence but I don't notice it so much now. Given that Trev still drinks and almost all our friends do too, I don't see it as realistic to not have alcohol in the house. Is it a good idea? Probably not.
Is there something I think I can't get through sober, some event that might happen that will be so painful that I'll have to drink to survive the hurt?
Difficult question. I think there are things that would make me want to drink. If my sister or Trev were to die or become seriously ill for example, or if that happened to any of my sisters' children. If I were to be diagnosed with a serious illness, even if I were to lose my job or suffer some kind of financial meltdown ... stuff like that.
Do I think that with some account of sober time, or with different life circumstances, I'd be able to control my drinking?
I do wonder about this one. I know people who have returned to controlled drinking having developed a serious problem. It's so hard to know if they are telling the truth about their drinking patterns now, or if their addiction was of the same depth as my own.So yes, these thoughts do cross my mind from time to time. "If I were to change completely and fundamentally on a psychological level then maybe it would be possible". I guess what I'm hoping though is that if I can change and grow through working the steps I actually won't ever want to return to drinking.
What reservations am I still holding on to?
I think in the back of my mind I am still holding on to the idea that if going through the steps in AA doesn't make me feel better, think better and behave better then I can consider the program not to have worked. I guess I think I could use that as justification to consider going back to drinking. I don't know if I really would do that though as I was abstinent when I came into AA.
I absolutely recognise that I've got an addiction, and that this means that I will never be "safe" to drink again. I have tried numerous times and using various strategies to control my drinking and none of it worked.
Do I think I can still associate with people connected with my addiction? Can I still go to the place where I drank? Do I think it's wise to keep alcohol around, just to "remind myself" or test my recovery? If so, why?
Given that quite a lot of my drinking happened with my husband, who still drinks I am unsure about how to answer this question. I do still associate with our friends, most of whom drink. Do I think I can do this safely? Yes, as long as I am working on my recovery I think it is OK to do so.
We do have alcohol in the house. The "call of the wine rack" used to really play on my mind in the early months of abstinence but I don't notice it so much now. Given that Trev still drinks and almost all our friends do too, I don't see it as realistic to not have alcohol in the house. Is it a good idea? Probably not.
Is there something I think I can't get through sober, some event that might happen that will be so painful that I'll have to drink to survive the hurt?
Difficult question. I think there are things that would make me want to drink. If my sister or Trev were to die or become seriously ill for example, or if that happened to any of my sisters' children. If I were to be diagnosed with a serious illness, even if I were to lose my job or suffer some kind of financial meltdown ... stuff like that.
Do I think that with some account of sober time, or with different life circumstances, I'd be able to control my drinking?
I do wonder about this one. I know people who have returned to controlled drinking having developed a serious problem. It's so hard to know if they are telling the truth about their drinking patterns now, or if their addiction was of the same depth as my own.So yes, these thoughts do cross my mind from time to time. "If I were to change completely and fundamentally on a psychological level then maybe it would be possible". I guess what I'm hoping though is that if I can change and grow through working the steps I actually won't ever want to return to drinking.
What reservations am I still holding on to?
I think in the back of my mind I am still holding on to the idea that if going through the steps in AA doesn't make me feel better, think better and behave better then I can consider the program not to have worked. I guess I think I could use that as justification to consider going back to drinking. I don't know if I really would do that though as I was abstinent when I came into AA.
Step One Part Five: Unmanageability
What does unmanageability mean to me?
Outwardly my life seems mostly OK. There are signs of this unmanageability ... frequent absenses from work for example, but most of the unmanageability is internally in the way I act and react to things. I do not have good emotional control, nor do I respond in a balanced way to events around me.
I also think that all the lying and sneaking around that I did in an effeort to cover my tracks made my life feel very unmanageable. Knowing and feeling I was doing the wrong thing but doing it anyway. I still struggle with the balance between acknowledging the affect my addiction has on my thinking, feelings and behaviour ... and my own culpability in having allowed my addiction such free reign for so long. But certainly my life felt unmanageable a lot of the time when I was drinking.
Have I ever been arrested or had legal trouble as a result of my drinking? Have I ever done anything I could have been arrested for if only I were caught? What have those things been?
I have never been arrested but I have driven my car in the morning after getting very drunk the night before, knowing I was over the limit. I used to smoke dope, the possesion of which is still a criminal offence.
What trouble have I had at work because of my drinking?
It is only by luck that I have not had serious trouble at work through my drinking. I have a job where I can under-perform without it being immediately apparent so I've used this lee-way to good (or bad) affect. Much of my under-performance was due to being perpetualy hung over.
What trouble have I had with my family as a result of my drinking?
With the exception of my mother my whole family drinks heavily. I am not aware of any trouble as such except I know this aspect of our behaviour causes my mother some concern. She doesn't talk about it thought.
What trouble have I had with my friends as a result of my drinking?
I think most of my long time friends are unaware of my drinking as I lost touch with many of them through staying home and drinking instead of going out and cultivating the friendships I had. I kept some friends but mostly only the heavy drinkers ... those turned out to be drinking buddies rather than friends. I don't really see much of them any more.
Do I insist on having my own way? What effect has my insistence had on my relationships?
I don't insist on having my own way, although Trev would disgaree so I think I do in relationships where I feel very safe. In most other situations (outside the home) I harbour huge resentments for not getting my own way and for not feeling able to be assertive enough to even state what my preferences are.
Do I consider the needs of others? What effect has my lack of consideration had on my relationships?
I have been told quite often that I am a considerate person. I think I do try to consider the needs of others ... not always, and not only from high motives either. I think sometimes I do kind things as a way to ingratiate myself rather than to do the "right thing" as such.
Do I accept responsibility for my life and my actions? Am I able to carry out my daily responsibilities without becoming overwhelmed? How has this affected my life?
This question hits the bulls-eye for me. I get overwhelmed incredibly easily and quickly. I know I find it hard to accept responsibility for myself, my actions and my responsibilities. In this respect I find myself still responding in a very child-like way ... kind of hoping that the bad stuff will all just go away all by itself without me having to do anything at all.
I procrastinate as a way of not having to do stuff that feels overwhelming. As a result I get behind on virutally every outstanding task ... thus I feel more overwhelmed and procrastinate even more. As a result things that need to get done don't, I live in a bit of a tip, all the DIY jobs that needed doing years ago are still outstanding etc etc, I don't call friends because it seems too much trouble, I don't arrange to invite people over for the same reason. I feel like I am my own worst enemy.
I said earlier that I struggle with the balance between "blaming" my addiction, taking personal responsibility, and beating myself up for allowing my addiction to run riot in my life. I knew for a long time things had got out of hand before I did anything about it. And I denied for a long time that things were almost under control when in fact the opposite was true. Things were progressing to ever increasing levels of out-of-controlled-ness.
Do I fall apart the minute things don't go according to plan? How has this affected my life?
Yes! I have what I euphamistically call a low frustration threshold. Once I do set to achieve a task if it doesn't go swimmingly I either feel like giving up or I get upset at my ineptitude. I generally give up way too easily. I've set out to learn quite a few new skills over the years. I have mastered virutally none of them.
Do I treat every challenge as a personal insult? How has this affected my life?
No. I don't think I do this. I get panicked by challenges sometimes and I do think perhaps the person challenging me has an agenda I can't determine which sends me off into an internal votex of trying to figure out the un-figure-out-able, but generally I don't think I treat challenges as personal insults much of the time.
Do I maintain a crisis mentalily, responding to every situation with panic? How has this affected my life?
I definitely am prone to panic. I see the pitfalls in everything and am therefore overly cautious in order to protect myself from what I perceive are big risks ... in reality the risks are often small and of little consequence. Who cares is I get ridiculed ... only I do care too much about rubbish like that.
I often feel like I am living my life on the edge of some impending catastrophe. I think I do maintain a crisis mentality in that way. It doesn't bring me any peace, and the things I worry about are often completely outside my scope of influence let alone control. The affect this has had on my life is that I find it hard to just enjoy things in a simple and straight forward manner. My crisis mentality has me on high alert when I could and should be having more fun.
Do I ignore signs that something may be seriously wrong with my health, thinking that things will work out somehow? Describe.
I always always always leave my medical worries to fester. I get scared by what's going on but even more scared of facing up to it and going to the doctor. I'm the same about the dentist too. I tell myself rational sounding things like "we'll see if it clears up in a week/month or so" when what I really mean is "I hope it just goes away so I don't have to deal with it". When I found a lump in my breast a couple of years ago it took me a few months to work up the courage to go to the doctors. I found the whirlwind of events from there on quite scary but it turned out ok.
In general my procrastination is driven by fear or an inability to face up to stuff.
When in real danger, have I ever been either indifferent to that danger or somehow unable to protect myself as a result of my drinking? Describe.
Almost all my serious drinking happened at home. Although I drank very heavily with my husband and when out with our friends, my worst excesses were either when alone or when I went over to stay at Jans (a self confessed alcoholic).
Certainly I've driven the morning after a session when knowlingly over the limit. I remember thinking it through ... well sort of .... what I mean is I remember trying to rationalise why it would be OK to drive even though I actually still felt drunk. I told myself I needed to get to work because it was important that no-one suspect me of being so out of control drink-wise that I can't even make it in to work. And I remember thinking about how I'm probabaly OK to drive because I was aware that I was impaired ... duh well that's a strange logic that only bears scrutiny when drunk. The thing is I knew it was dangerous and not just for me either. A car is a big machine to be in charge of when pissed. I could have killed or injured someone.
Have I ever harmed someone as a result of my addiction? Describe.
I am so grateful to be able to say that I have not actually injured anyone through my drinking.
I have caused harm though through the things I've said whilst drinking. There've been times when I've said untrue things and hurtful things. Raking up shit from the past and poring over petty and ancient resentments, trying re-ignite old hurts and resentments by comparing then with now. Just generally being unreasonable.
It would be very easy to sit here and say therefore that I have hardly harmed anyone through my drinking. But in my mind I feel worse about the harm caused through the things not done. By neglecting the people I love just so that I could hide away and drink, I made them doubt the deep commitment I feel towards them. It still fills me with shame that I acted this way and was either not there at all for my friends and family as they went through various life events, or not there enough even when I could be bothered to tear myself away from the bottle for a short time. I always told myself I was shit at all that stuff anyway and probably wouldn't have been much help. But friendships are not built or sustained by such shoddy behaviour. I see that.
Do I have temper tantrums or react to my feelings in other ways that lower my self-respect or sense of dignity? Describe.
I always thought that my temper was just a family trait. Both my parents have firy tempers. Although my fathers temper is one that rages out of control in the most visible way, my mother too would lash out in temper. Some of the beatings I remember receiving as a child were far from what might be considered controlled discipline. Even now her temper is sharp, as is her scorn.
I have the toxic mix of both kinds of temper. Last time I lost my temper completely I was 18. My sister and I had a row as a result of her stealing some money I'd saved up. We fought physically and both had cuts and bruises as a result. I haven't lost my temper in a physical way since then as it really scared both of us what happened.
I loose my temper easily and find it inexplicable how quickly it happens. It's sparked off by so little one day and yet even in very similar circumstances on another day I hardly seem bothered by what is going on. My husband bears the brunt of my temper as I have learnt to mostly keep myself on a leash when in social / professional situations.
Stupid things really like when we're watching recorded tv and Trev will whizz through the ads but overshoot and have to piss around trying to backtrack to the end of the ads ... because he'll overshoot back and forth using the fastwind rather than the slower wind. It makes me seethe in a completely unreasonable way and sometimes I will say something like "Oh for fucks sake give me the damn thing" ... it's only a tv programme!!! It is the pettiness of the things I get heated up over that causes me to feel like a inadequate person. I know it's not reasonable to act in this way and yet I consistently fall prey to doing so.
Did I drink or act out my addiction to change or suppress my feelings? What was I trying to change or supress?
I think this is the crux of it for me. I drank to get drunk and to stop feeling ill at ease ... about everything. About myself, about my life, about my inability to cope with life, about my feelings of inadequacy. All of it. I wanted to feel like someone else and drinking achieved that.
Outwardly my life seems mostly OK. There are signs of this unmanageability ... frequent absenses from work for example, but most of the unmanageability is internally in the way I act and react to things. I do not have good emotional control, nor do I respond in a balanced way to events around me.
I also think that all the lying and sneaking around that I did in an effeort to cover my tracks made my life feel very unmanageable. Knowing and feeling I was doing the wrong thing but doing it anyway. I still struggle with the balance between acknowledging the affect my addiction has on my thinking, feelings and behaviour ... and my own culpability in having allowed my addiction such free reign for so long. But certainly my life felt unmanageable a lot of the time when I was drinking.
Have I ever been arrested or had legal trouble as a result of my drinking? Have I ever done anything I could have been arrested for if only I were caught? What have those things been?
I have never been arrested but I have driven my car in the morning after getting very drunk the night before, knowing I was over the limit. I used to smoke dope, the possesion of which is still a criminal offence.
What trouble have I had at work because of my drinking?
It is only by luck that I have not had serious trouble at work through my drinking. I have a job where I can under-perform without it being immediately apparent so I've used this lee-way to good (or bad) affect. Much of my under-performance was due to being perpetualy hung over.
What trouble have I had with my family as a result of my drinking?
With the exception of my mother my whole family drinks heavily. I am not aware of any trouble as such except I know this aspect of our behaviour causes my mother some concern. She doesn't talk about it thought.
What trouble have I had with my friends as a result of my drinking?
I think most of my long time friends are unaware of my drinking as I lost touch with many of them through staying home and drinking instead of going out and cultivating the friendships I had. I kept some friends but mostly only the heavy drinkers ... those turned out to be drinking buddies rather than friends. I don't really see much of them any more.
Do I insist on having my own way? What effect has my insistence had on my relationships?
I don't insist on having my own way, although Trev would disgaree so I think I do in relationships where I feel very safe. In most other situations (outside the home) I harbour huge resentments for not getting my own way and for not feeling able to be assertive enough to even state what my preferences are.
Do I consider the needs of others? What effect has my lack of consideration had on my relationships?
I have been told quite often that I am a considerate person. I think I do try to consider the needs of others ... not always, and not only from high motives either. I think sometimes I do kind things as a way to ingratiate myself rather than to do the "right thing" as such.
Do I accept responsibility for my life and my actions? Am I able to carry out my daily responsibilities without becoming overwhelmed? How has this affected my life?
This question hits the bulls-eye for me. I get overwhelmed incredibly easily and quickly. I know I find it hard to accept responsibility for myself, my actions and my responsibilities. In this respect I find myself still responding in a very child-like way ... kind of hoping that the bad stuff will all just go away all by itself without me having to do anything at all.
I procrastinate as a way of not having to do stuff that feels overwhelming. As a result I get behind on virutally every outstanding task ... thus I feel more overwhelmed and procrastinate even more. As a result things that need to get done don't, I live in a bit of a tip, all the DIY jobs that needed doing years ago are still outstanding etc etc, I don't call friends because it seems too much trouble, I don't arrange to invite people over for the same reason. I feel like I am my own worst enemy.
I said earlier that I struggle with the balance between "blaming" my addiction, taking personal responsibility, and beating myself up for allowing my addiction to run riot in my life. I knew for a long time things had got out of hand before I did anything about it. And I denied for a long time that things were almost under control when in fact the opposite was true. Things were progressing to ever increasing levels of out-of-controlled-ness.
Do I fall apart the minute things don't go according to plan? How has this affected my life?
Yes! I have what I euphamistically call a low frustration threshold. Once I do set to achieve a task if it doesn't go swimmingly I either feel like giving up or I get upset at my ineptitude. I generally give up way too easily. I've set out to learn quite a few new skills over the years. I have mastered virutally none of them.
Do I treat every challenge as a personal insult? How has this affected my life?
No. I don't think I do this. I get panicked by challenges sometimes and I do think perhaps the person challenging me has an agenda I can't determine which sends me off into an internal votex of trying to figure out the un-figure-out-able, but generally I don't think I treat challenges as personal insults much of the time.
Do I maintain a crisis mentalily, responding to every situation with panic? How has this affected my life?
I definitely am prone to panic. I see the pitfalls in everything and am therefore overly cautious in order to protect myself from what I perceive are big risks ... in reality the risks are often small and of little consequence. Who cares is I get ridiculed ... only I do care too much about rubbish like that.
I often feel like I am living my life on the edge of some impending catastrophe. I think I do maintain a crisis mentality in that way. It doesn't bring me any peace, and the things I worry about are often completely outside my scope of influence let alone control. The affect this has had on my life is that I find it hard to just enjoy things in a simple and straight forward manner. My crisis mentality has me on high alert when I could and should be having more fun.
Do I ignore signs that something may be seriously wrong with my health, thinking that things will work out somehow? Describe.
I always always always leave my medical worries to fester. I get scared by what's going on but even more scared of facing up to it and going to the doctor. I'm the same about the dentist too. I tell myself rational sounding things like "we'll see if it clears up in a week/month or so" when what I really mean is "I hope it just goes away so I don't have to deal with it". When I found a lump in my breast a couple of years ago it took me a few months to work up the courage to go to the doctors. I found the whirlwind of events from there on quite scary but it turned out ok.
In general my procrastination is driven by fear or an inability to face up to stuff.
When in real danger, have I ever been either indifferent to that danger or somehow unable to protect myself as a result of my drinking? Describe.
Almost all my serious drinking happened at home. Although I drank very heavily with my husband and when out with our friends, my worst excesses were either when alone or when I went over to stay at Jans (a self confessed alcoholic).
Certainly I've driven the morning after a session when knowlingly over the limit. I remember thinking it through ... well sort of .... what I mean is I remember trying to rationalise why it would be OK to drive even though I actually still felt drunk. I told myself I needed to get to work because it was important that no-one suspect me of being so out of control drink-wise that I can't even make it in to work. And I remember thinking about how I'm probabaly OK to drive because I was aware that I was impaired ... duh well that's a strange logic that only bears scrutiny when drunk. The thing is I knew it was dangerous and not just for me either. A car is a big machine to be in charge of when pissed. I could have killed or injured someone.
Have I ever harmed someone as a result of my addiction? Describe.
I am so grateful to be able to say that I have not actually injured anyone through my drinking.
I have caused harm though through the things I've said whilst drinking. There've been times when I've said untrue things and hurtful things. Raking up shit from the past and poring over petty and ancient resentments, trying re-ignite old hurts and resentments by comparing then with now. Just generally being unreasonable.
It would be very easy to sit here and say therefore that I have hardly harmed anyone through my drinking. But in my mind I feel worse about the harm caused through the things not done. By neglecting the people I love just so that I could hide away and drink, I made them doubt the deep commitment I feel towards them. It still fills me with shame that I acted this way and was either not there at all for my friends and family as they went through various life events, or not there enough even when I could be bothered to tear myself away from the bottle for a short time. I always told myself I was shit at all that stuff anyway and probably wouldn't have been much help. But friendships are not built or sustained by such shoddy behaviour. I see that.
Do I have temper tantrums or react to my feelings in other ways that lower my self-respect or sense of dignity? Describe.
I always thought that my temper was just a family trait. Both my parents have firy tempers. Although my fathers temper is one that rages out of control in the most visible way, my mother too would lash out in temper. Some of the beatings I remember receiving as a child were far from what might be considered controlled discipline. Even now her temper is sharp, as is her scorn.
I have the toxic mix of both kinds of temper. Last time I lost my temper completely I was 18. My sister and I had a row as a result of her stealing some money I'd saved up. We fought physically and both had cuts and bruises as a result. I haven't lost my temper in a physical way since then as it really scared both of us what happened.
I loose my temper easily and find it inexplicable how quickly it happens. It's sparked off by so little one day and yet even in very similar circumstances on another day I hardly seem bothered by what is going on. My husband bears the brunt of my temper as I have learnt to mostly keep myself on a leash when in social / professional situations.
Stupid things really like when we're watching recorded tv and Trev will whizz through the ads but overshoot and have to piss around trying to backtrack to the end of the ads ... because he'll overshoot back and forth using the fastwind rather than the slower wind. It makes me seethe in a completely unreasonable way and sometimes I will say something like "Oh for fucks sake give me the damn thing" ... it's only a tv programme!!! It is the pettiness of the things I get heated up over that causes me to feel like a inadequate person. I know it's not reasonable to act in this way and yet I consistently fall prey to doing so.
Did I drink or act out my addiction to change or suppress my feelings? What was I trying to change or supress?
I think this is the crux of it for me. I drank to get drunk and to stop feeling ill at ease ... about everything. About myself, about my life, about my inability to cope with life, about my feelings of inadequacy. All of it. I wanted to feel like someone else and drinking achieved that.
Step One Part Four: Powerlessness
Over what exactly am I powerless?
When I drink I always want to drink enough to get drunk. The only time that doesn't happen is when there are external factors present ... like not enough booze to hand and all shops shut, or the presence of someone (like my mother) to act as a moderating force. Left to my own devices I always drink to get drunk. Once I start to drink I am unable through my own means to stop until I am drunk. I am powerless over my drinking once I start.
I've done things while acting out on my addiction that I would never do when focussing on my recovery. What are they?
I'd look for ways to have a drink even when I'd agreed not to drink for a set period of time. I'd lie and/or exagerate a work scenario to justify drinking, I'd lie over the phone to Trev saying that I hadn't drunk when I had. I'd cancel plans I'd made with friends and text them some bullshit excuse so I could stay in and drink. I'd plan drink-a-thons when he was going to be away on business.
What things have I done to maintain my addiction that went completely against my beliefs and values?
Lying, sneaking around hiding bottles, pretending to be sober when pissed, drinking in the kitchen to supplement the wine we were supposed to be sharing in the living room. Hiding empties and shipping them out when Trev was away. Taking leave or phoning in sick to stay home and drink. Denying that my absense was drink related.
How does my personality change when I'm acting out on my addiction? (For example do I become arrogant? Self-centered? Mean-tempered? Passive to the point where I can't protect myself? Manipulative? Whiny?)
On the very rare occasion that Trev did not want to have a drink despite our agreement (Nearly always these agreements were instigated by me) to stay sober I'd get quite defensive or aggresive. If a lie didn't work, I'd fish around for another way to manipulate the situation round so that we'd end up drinking.
Do I manipulate other people to maintain my addiction? How?
Trev worries about my stress levels. I've played up the amount of stress I feel about work and other stuff over the years so it is firmly fixed in his head that I do not cope well with stress. This has been a manipulative ploy on my part to give me an easy "out" from whatever is being demanded of me at the time.
Have I tried to quit drinking and found that I couldn't? Have I quit drinking on my own and found that my life was so painful without alcohol that my abstinence didn't last very long? What were these times like?
I gave up drinking for 5 months in 2008 and have had one or two stretches of abstinence of a few months between then and Oct 2010. I have had countless day ones where I tried to stop but didn't manage to maintain my abstinence for any period of time as well though. These times were a bit of a mixed bag. After a few months abstinence I would start to feel OK ... and then I'd start to think that maybe I wasn't an alcoholic after all, and then I'd start to plan a way to drink.
When I stopped in Oct 2010, I stayed abstinent for about 8 months before deciding to try AA. I was doing OK on the outside but I knew that internally I hadn't changed ... that I still thought and acted in much the same way as I'd done when actively drinking. I figured that I needed to change but didn't know how. So I thought I'd give AA a go and see if the 12 steps had anything to offer in the way of re-shaping the way I think, feel and act.
How has my addiction hurt me or others?
I think my addiction is still hurting me because I still don't really feel like I cope well with life generally and in particular managing my emotional state.
I asked Trev about this and he seems to think I am making a big deal out of not very much. Yes I used to get trashed and yes I wasn't honest about my drinking but to him that is pretty much it. Not that he is being unsupportive but he doesn't really accept the disease model nor that I am an alcoholic. I asked him if I had hurt him through my drinking and he says not. We rarely fought or rowed when drinking but when we did we said some deeply hurtful things on both sides. Mostly though we just bickered. Trev is still a heavy drinker although not in the same way as me.
I am wary to leave it there with this question as I feel like I am being dishonest. I have hurt others but is it attributable to my addiction? Of that I'm not sure. I am culpable in either case surely?
I lost some good friendships through my dishonesty. I'd lie and create silly dramas to explain my non-appearance at pre-arranged engagements. All so I could drink. So I hurt my friends.
I'd lie to my family and tell them I was unavailable to attend functions or just to go over and help out with things. I'd rather stay home and drink. So I hurt my family that way.
I'd drink to oblivion whilst baby-sitting my nephews. So potential for hurt there although luckily no actual damage.
When I drink I always want to drink enough to get drunk. The only time that doesn't happen is when there are external factors present ... like not enough booze to hand and all shops shut, or the presence of someone (like my mother) to act as a moderating force. Left to my own devices I always drink to get drunk. Once I start to drink I am unable through my own means to stop until I am drunk. I am powerless over my drinking once I start.
I've done things while acting out on my addiction that I would never do when focussing on my recovery. What are they?
I'd look for ways to have a drink even when I'd agreed not to drink for a set period of time. I'd lie and/or exagerate a work scenario to justify drinking, I'd lie over the phone to Trev saying that I hadn't drunk when I had. I'd cancel plans I'd made with friends and text them some bullshit excuse so I could stay in and drink. I'd plan drink-a-thons when he was going to be away on business.
What things have I done to maintain my addiction that went completely against my beliefs and values?
Lying, sneaking around hiding bottles, pretending to be sober when pissed, drinking in the kitchen to supplement the wine we were supposed to be sharing in the living room. Hiding empties and shipping them out when Trev was away. Taking leave or phoning in sick to stay home and drink. Denying that my absense was drink related.
How does my personality change when I'm acting out on my addiction? (For example do I become arrogant? Self-centered? Mean-tempered? Passive to the point where I can't protect myself? Manipulative? Whiny?)
On the very rare occasion that Trev did not want to have a drink despite our agreement (Nearly always these agreements were instigated by me) to stay sober I'd get quite defensive or aggresive. If a lie didn't work, I'd fish around for another way to manipulate the situation round so that we'd end up drinking.
Do I manipulate other people to maintain my addiction? How?
Trev worries about my stress levels. I've played up the amount of stress I feel about work and other stuff over the years so it is firmly fixed in his head that I do not cope well with stress. This has been a manipulative ploy on my part to give me an easy "out" from whatever is being demanded of me at the time.
Have I tried to quit drinking and found that I couldn't? Have I quit drinking on my own and found that my life was so painful without alcohol that my abstinence didn't last very long? What were these times like?
I gave up drinking for 5 months in 2008 and have had one or two stretches of abstinence of a few months between then and Oct 2010. I have had countless day ones where I tried to stop but didn't manage to maintain my abstinence for any period of time as well though. These times were a bit of a mixed bag. After a few months abstinence I would start to feel OK ... and then I'd start to think that maybe I wasn't an alcoholic after all, and then I'd start to plan a way to drink.
When I stopped in Oct 2010, I stayed abstinent for about 8 months before deciding to try AA. I was doing OK on the outside but I knew that internally I hadn't changed ... that I still thought and acted in much the same way as I'd done when actively drinking. I figured that I needed to change but didn't know how. So I thought I'd give AA a go and see if the 12 steps had anything to offer in the way of re-shaping the way I think, feel and act.
How has my addiction hurt me or others?
I think my addiction is still hurting me because I still don't really feel like I cope well with life generally and in particular managing my emotional state.
I asked Trev about this and he seems to think I am making a big deal out of not very much. Yes I used to get trashed and yes I wasn't honest about my drinking but to him that is pretty much it. Not that he is being unsupportive but he doesn't really accept the disease model nor that I am an alcoholic. I asked him if I had hurt him through my drinking and he says not. We rarely fought or rowed when drinking but when we did we said some deeply hurtful things on both sides. Mostly though we just bickered. Trev is still a heavy drinker although not in the same way as me.
I am wary to leave it there with this question as I feel like I am being dishonest. I have hurt others but is it attributable to my addiction? Of that I'm not sure. I am culpable in either case surely?
I lost some good friendships through my dishonesty. I'd lie and create silly dramas to explain my non-appearance at pre-arranged engagements. All so I could drink. So I hurt my friends.
I'd lie to my family and tell them I was unavailable to attend functions or just to go over and help out with things. I'd rather stay home and drink. So I hurt my family that way.
I'd drink to oblivion whilst baby-sitting my nephews. So potential for hurt there although luckily no actual damage.
Step One - Part Three: Hitting Bottom: Despair & Isolation
What crisis bought me to recovery?
I knew for a while before I joined BrightEye that I had a drink problem. There was no crisis as such. I tried to rein my drinking in and spent some weeks and months sober before stopping altogether in October 2010. So between 2008 and Oct 2010 I probably spent just over half the time not drinking altough there were several periods within that time of daily heavy drinking in very much the mode that prompted me to seek help in the first place.
I think what got me to finally stop drinking was the despair I felt within myself. I'd drink and cry, then I'd wake up and cry ... I'd cry for no apparent reason sometimes during the day. I started to feel mentally/emotionally unstable and really unwell a lot of the time. I knew my drinking was if not the cause a huge contributory factor. I just found it really difficult to sustain that belief long enough to stay sober. After a few days/weeks/months I'd start feeling like it would be OK to drink again and the merry-go-round would start again.
What situation led me to formally work step one?
I've been going to AA once or twice a week for 6 months now. Very often I hear people say, "get a sponsor, work the steps". The meeting I consider my "home group" is a step meeting in Amesbury. We've been through the first 5 steps a few times and right through the steps once. I guess I just felt it was time to start doing more than just turning up to meetings. At first that felt like enough because I wanted to understand more about the 12 steps and reading them was not enough. I needed to listen to the experience of others to understand that there is more than one way to interpret the steps. This is important to me because I have some reservations about the "God stuff". I want to work the steps because I want to stay sober and I want to be happier.
When did I first recognise my addiction as a problem? Did I try to correct it? If so, how? If not, why not?
I knew I had a problem in my teens. I thought if I stayed away from booze I'd be relatively safe. I preferred the buzz of dope which didn't give me hangovers, so I stopped drinking until I was in my early 30's and had met my husband. Once I started drinking again it didn't seem to be a problem as I didn't drink every night, that happened over time and along with it increased consumption.
I tried to cut back, tried setting rules about when and how much it would be OK to drink. Made declaratations that we'd have a booze free week and then return from work on Monday evening with some tale of woe to justify an exception to the rule ... and off we'd go again.
I joined BrightEye online alcohol support forum in 2008. Spent the next two and a half years sometimes drinking, sometimes not. Stopped drinking in Oct 2010.
I knew for a while before I joined BrightEye that I had a drink problem. There was no crisis as such. I tried to rein my drinking in and spent some weeks and months sober before stopping altogether in October 2010. So between 2008 and Oct 2010 I probably spent just over half the time not drinking altough there were several periods within that time of daily heavy drinking in very much the mode that prompted me to seek help in the first place.
I think what got me to finally stop drinking was the despair I felt within myself. I'd drink and cry, then I'd wake up and cry ... I'd cry for no apparent reason sometimes during the day. I started to feel mentally/emotionally unstable and really unwell a lot of the time. I knew my drinking was if not the cause a huge contributory factor. I just found it really difficult to sustain that belief long enough to stay sober. After a few days/weeks/months I'd start feeling like it would be OK to drink again and the merry-go-round would start again.
What situation led me to formally work step one?
I've been going to AA once or twice a week for 6 months now. Very often I hear people say, "get a sponsor, work the steps". The meeting I consider my "home group" is a step meeting in Amesbury. We've been through the first 5 steps a few times and right through the steps once. I guess I just felt it was time to start doing more than just turning up to meetings. At first that felt like enough because I wanted to understand more about the 12 steps and reading them was not enough. I needed to listen to the experience of others to understand that there is more than one way to interpret the steps. This is important to me because I have some reservations about the "God stuff". I want to work the steps because I want to stay sober and I want to be happier.
When did I first recognise my addiction as a problem? Did I try to correct it? If so, how? If not, why not?
I knew I had a problem in my teens. I thought if I stayed away from booze I'd be relatively safe. I preferred the buzz of dope which didn't give me hangovers, so I stopped drinking until I was in my early 30's and had met my husband. Once I started drinking again it didn't seem to be a problem as I didn't drink every night, that happened over time and along with it increased consumption.
I tried to cut back, tried setting rules about when and how much it would be OK to drink. Made declaratations that we'd have a booze free week and then return from work on Monday evening with some tale of woe to justify an exception to the rule ... and off we'd go again.
I joined BrightEye online alcohol support forum in 2008. Spent the next two and a half years sometimes drinking, sometimes not. Stopped drinking in Oct 2010.
Step One - Part Two. Denial.
Have I given plausible but untrue reasons for my behaviour? What have they been?
When I drank I often lied about the reasons I was drinking. I'd fabricate or exagerate an event or sequence of events at work in order to justify drinking when we'd previously (often at my instigation) agreed to have a few days/weeks off from drinking. Even to myself I would have mental arguments about the necessity vs desire to drink. I never felt at peace with the idea of of it being OK to get trashed even though that is what I set out to achieve by drinking. So I'd just say I'm stressed or I'm cheesed off or whatever. Never that I needed a drink, no, never just that plain and simple want.
I guess I always felt it necessary to justify a drink because I knew for a long time that my drinking pattern was problematic. So I know I shouldn't be drinking long before I actually stopped. And then I'd re-start because I felt like it would be OK this time even though I'd already prooved it wouldn't be. I'd say to myself that I would exercise control but I knew I wouldn't because I was still wanting to drink to get trashed.
I always said wasn't an alcoholic even after I realised that I drank too much too often. I said I drank too much sometimes. I minimised it and rarely admitted to how much I drank even to my husband.
Have I compulsively acted on an obsession, and then acted as if I had actually planned to act that way? When were those times?
Until I started thinking about this question I thought I was not generally a compulsive person except when it comes to drinking. These days I will sometimes make a decision to not surf the net at work or at home in the venings but then find that I've spent hours and hours doing so. I'll then re-order my task list of priorities for the rest of the day/ evening as if this were a planned "skive". So I do act compulsively about my use of the internet. It's an easy way to cut myself off from the things that are going on in my life. Huh ... sound familiar?
How have I blamed other people for my behaviour?
Again I didn't really think I did much in the way of blaming. Then I thought about the way I'd react if "caught out" by Trev or anyone else. Basically I'd lie, or shift the blame on to whoever or whatever sprang to mind. I'd make out that it was Trev's fault that I had to sneak around or I'd act indignant that he was suggesting that I was lying when I tried to pretend I was sober when I'd drunk a lot before he got home. I would then either ratchet up the argument so as to create a row that I could then use as an excuse to slam out of the room (bottle in hand usually).
For quite a while I blamed my past for my drinking and my general inability to cope with pretty normal things that happen in life. Dad being a violent alcoholic, the disruption of the separation and divorce, emmigrating from Canada aged 12, distant cool and detached mother who was only realy doing her best in a very difficult situation etc etc ... just pretty average less-than-ideal stuff really. I suppose I do think Dad's alcoholism should have given more more pause for thought before I let my drinking get so out of control.
How have I compared my addiction with others' addiction? Is my addiction "bad enough" if I don't compare it to anyone else's?
When I first joined an online alcohol support forum I "met" people whose drinking far outstripped my own ... and others whose drinking was less than mine. I found it re-assuring that others drinking was worse than my own and yet they were working, had homes, families, jobs etc etc ... like "normal" people. It rather fed that side of me that wanted to believe that I could just rein it all back in because I wasn't "that bad".
My addiction is mine. It isn't about the depth of others' problems but the depth of mine. I am an alcoholic. When I drink I drink to get drunk. I drink one and want more and more until I can't remember why I shouldn't carry on drinking. Thoughts of the consequences seem irrelavent and I always figured that it'd somehow be all right.
Am I comparing a current manifestation of my addiction to the way my life was before i got sober? Am I plagued with the idea that I should have known better?
One of the reasons I came to AA was that even though I hadn't had a drink for 8 months I kind of knew that I was still thinking and acting in the way I did whilst drinking. I knew that taking drink out of the equation would make things better but I hoped it would make it better than it has. Hence my appearance at meetings. I want to make my sober life a happy life if at all possible and learn to be more at ease with myself. To do that I need to learn honesty.
I remember when I drank as a teenager and realising that I could get in real trouble with my drinking. So I stopped drinking although I did smoke dope reasonably regularly right up until I started drinking again in my 30's. Am I plagued by thoughts that I should have known better? Yes I am. I knew even back then in my teens that I drank/drugged to get trashed. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that this way of life is likely to lead into trouble.
Have I been thinking that I have enough information about addiction and recovery to get my behaviour under control before it gets out of hand?
I was surprised to read this question. Yes I have read a lot about addiction and recovery and having spent nearly 4 years on an alcohol support forum online I have learnt a fair bit there too. Do I have enough information? Well it's tempting to say yes and certainly a part of me does think I'm clever enough to go it alone from now on. Experience would indicate otherwise though, but yes the thought is there in my mind.
Am I avoiding action because I'm afraid I will be ashamed when I face the results of my addiction? Am I avoiding action because I'm worried about what others think?
I have found it really hard to sit down and work through these questions. I mean step one is supposed to be pretty straight forward isn't it? What I realise is that my mindset is such that I want the results of the programme without doing the steps. I don't want to come face to face with myself even though I know the necessity. I am already ashamed of being an addict. I think what I'm worrying about right now is that I'm making a right hash of this step one and my sponsor will read this stuff and think I'm a right pillock ... and I'm worried that if I admit that I am struggling to understand some of the questions people will think I'm stupid.
I avoid action on all fronts and am generally given to procrastination and diverting myself with easy stuf like watching tellie or surfing the web. Even meditating sometimes. I think what worries me most though is that I won't do this stuff right and therefore it won't work ... and because I don't really know what it "working" looks like of feels like I won't be able to tell.
When I drank I often lied about the reasons I was drinking. I'd fabricate or exagerate an event or sequence of events at work in order to justify drinking when we'd previously (often at my instigation) agreed to have a few days/weeks off from drinking. Even to myself I would have mental arguments about the necessity vs desire to drink. I never felt at peace with the idea of of it being OK to get trashed even though that is what I set out to achieve by drinking. So I'd just say I'm stressed or I'm cheesed off or whatever. Never that I needed a drink, no, never just that plain and simple want.
I guess I always felt it necessary to justify a drink because I knew for a long time that my drinking pattern was problematic. So I know I shouldn't be drinking long before I actually stopped. And then I'd re-start because I felt like it would be OK this time even though I'd already prooved it wouldn't be. I'd say to myself that I would exercise control but I knew I wouldn't because I was still wanting to drink to get trashed.
I always said wasn't an alcoholic even after I realised that I drank too much too often. I said I drank too much sometimes. I minimised it and rarely admitted to how much I drank even to my husband.
Have I compulsively acted on an obsession, and then acted as if I had actually planned to act that way? When were those times?
Until I started thinking about this question I thought I was not generally a compulsive person except when it comes to drinking. These days I will sometimes make a decision to not surf the net at work or at home in the venings but then find that I've spent hours and hours doing so. I'll then re-order my task list of priorities for the rest of the day/ evening as if this were a planned "skive". So I do act compulsively about my use of the internet. It's an easy way to cut myself off from the things that are going on in my life. Huh ... sound familiar?
How have I blamed other people for my behaviour?
Again I didn't really think I did much in the way of blaming. Then I thought about the way I'd react if "caught out" by Trev or anyone else. Basically I'd lie, or shift the blame on to whoever or whatever sprang to mind. I'd make out that it was Trev's fault that I had to sneak around or I'd act indignant that he was suggesting that I was lying when I tried to pretend I was sober when I'd drunk a lot before he got home. I would then either ratchet up the argument so as to create a row that I could then use as an excuse to slam out of the room (bottle in hand usually).
For quite a while I blamed my past for my drinking and my general inability to cope with pretty normal things that happen in life. Dad being a violent alcoholic, the disruption of the separation and divorce, emmigrating from Canada aged 12, distant cool and detached mother who was only realy doing her best in a very difficult situation etc etc ... just pretty average less-than-ideal stuff really. I suppose I do think Dad's alcoholism should have given more more pause for thought before I let my drinking get so out of control.
How have I compared my addiction with others' addiction? Is my addiction "bad enough" if I don't compare it to anyone else's?
When I first joined an online alcohol support forum I "met" people whose drinking far outstripped my own ... and others whose drinking was less than mine. I found it re-assuring that others drinking was worse than my own and yet they were working, had homes, families, jobs etc etc ... like "normal" people. It rather fed that side of me that wanted to believe that I could just rein it all back in because I wasn't "that bad".
My addiction is mine. It isn't about the depth of others' problems but the depth of mine. I am an alcoholic. When I drink I drink to get drunk. I drink one and want more and more until I can't remember why I shouldn't carry on drinking. Thoughts of the consequences seem irrelavent and I always figured that it'd somehow be all right.
Am I comparing a current manifestation of my addiction to the way my life was before i got sober? Am I plagued with the idea that I should have known better?
One of the reasons I came to AA was that even though I hadn't had a drink for 8 months I kind of knew that I was still thinking and acting in the way I did whilst drinking. I knew that taking drink out of the equation would make things better but I hoped it would make it better than it has. Hence my appearance at meetings. I want to make my sober life a happy life if at all possible and learn to be more at ease with myself. To do that I need to learn honesty.
I remember when I drank as a teenager and realising that I could get in real trouble with my drinking. So I stopped drinking although I did smoke dope reasonably regularly right up until I started drinking again in my 30's. Am I plagued by thoughts that I should have known better? Yes I am. I knew even back then in my teens that I drank/drugged to get trashed. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that this way of life is likely to lead into trouble.
Have I been thinking that I have enough information about addiction and recovery to get my behaviour under control before it gets out of hand?
I was surprised to read this question. Yes I have read a lot about addiction and recovery and having spent nearly 4 years on an alcohol support forum online I have learnt a fair bit there too. Do I have enough information? Well it's tempting to say yes and certainly a part of me does think I'm clever enough to go it alone from now on. Experience would indicate otherwise though, but yes the thought is there in my mind.
Am I avoiding action because I'm afraid I will be ashamed when I face the results of my addiction? Am I avoiding action because I'm worried about what others think?
I have found it really hard to sit down and work through these questions. I mean step one is supposed to be pretty straight forward isn't it? What I realise is that my mindset is such that I want the results of the programme without doing the steps. I don't want to come face to face with myself even though I know the necessity. I am already ashamed of being an addict. I think what I'm worrying about right now is that I'm making a right hash of this step one and my sponsor will read this stuff and think I'm a right pillock ... and I'm worried that if I admit that I am struggling to understand some of the questions people will think I'm stupid.
I avoid action on all fronts and am generally given to procrastination and diverting myself with easy stuf like watching tellie or surfing the web. Even meditating sometimes. I think what worries me most though is that I won't do this stuff right and therefore it won't work ... and because I don't really know what it "working" looks like of feels like I won't be able to tell.
Step One - Part One. The desease of addiction
What does "the disease of addiction" mean to me?
To me it means that there is a strong compulsion on my part to repeatedly act in a way that rationally makes no sense. I knew for a long time that my drinking was out of control. I wanted to stop, and yet I didn't want to. I wanted to drink and not have to deal with the consequences of drinking. Even when I did look seriously at giving up drinking, at the same time I considered going back to using recreational drugs as a way of maintaining the "oblivion option." Thus my addiction seems to be as much about the effect as the substance used.
Has my disease been active recently? In what way?
If the pointers of active addiction are that we become trapped in obsessive, compulsive, self centered routines, with endless loops that head nowhere but to physical, mental and emotional decay .... well then I'd say that yes my addiction has been active recently.
I find that I easily fall into obsessive thought and behaviour patterns.
Behaviourly at the moment I am finding it hard to break the pattern of compulsively surfing the internet, to the point of getting up early to do so, and also disrupting my work day in order to peruse alcoholic support forums, posting messages when I should be working. I'll re-read my own posts incessantly to ensure that I've got the wording correct, or look for answering posts scanning for re-assurance or praise.
Thinking-wise I just go around and around in my head with the same old arguments about addiction vs habit. Still on some level finding it hard to accept that I can NEVER drink again ... never get wasted. That thought has been troubling me a lot.
What is it like when I'm obsessed with something? Does my thinking follow a pattern? Describe.
I don't really notice at first that I am thinking obsessively. I mean they're my thoughts right? But after a while I realise that I'm thinking a lot about a certain thing that has happened or situation that I'm dreading ... or getting up tight about something, and it will be like a loop gets set up in my head and I'll go over it again and again ... "I should have said this or that" ... "I should have done this instead of that" ... "if only this or that would happen then everything would be OK" sort of thing.
I will detach from reality and drift into obsessively imagining scenarios where things that have already happened get altered by me doing or saying something differently ... or by other things happening to change the circumstances ...
I'm not sure I'm explaining this right. It's like an extreme form of wishful thinking I guess.
When a thought occurs to me do I immediately act on it without considering the consequences? In what ways do I behave compulsively
I don't know. I don't think I'm particularly impulsive. On the whole I'd say I'm quite a cautious person ... not so much when drinking though, and not when riled up and angry either when I can sometimes say stuff which I then go on to regret. Certainly in drinking terms I've built up sober time (weeks sometimes months) which I've then blown without any real thought for the consequences. Just somehow managed to convince myself it'd be OK without really allowing myself to think it through.
So I see that side of me is there, but on the whole I tend to over-think, if anything ... so thinking, wishing, dreaming and procrastinating without acting rather than acting without thinking.
How does the self centered part of my disease affect my life and the lives of those around me
When I was drinking I'd lie a lot about it. I'd tell Trev I'd only just opened the bottle not long before he arrived home when either it was the second bottle, or I'd got another one on the go out of sight on the shelf in the kitchen. Also I'd lie about situations, either exagerating episodes at work in order to justify drinking on days we'd agreed to keep AF ... or fabricating stuff in order to justify drinking. I'd try to manipulate the situation so that I couldn't just drink but could drink as much as I wanted to ... enough to get trashed. If I could manipulate the situation such that I could be alone and drinking so much the better. By doing this I erected barriers between myself and Trev which has had long lasting effects on the dynamic of our relationship.
I'd often cancel stuff that had been planned with friends or acquaintances. Texting or calling at the last minute with some half assed excuse when it was just that I wanted to stay home by myself and drink. My friends got fed up with this kind of treatment and eventually gave up getting in contact with me.
These days I think I still try to manipulate situations and/or people so that I can remain mostly inconspicuous in face to face dealings. Joining in if necessary, but only on the fringes. I'd say this is outside of my workplace where there are defined boundaries and I understand the roles and responsibilities. Work is a place where I feel most comfortable other than at home. When I am in other places and I have to interact with people I generally try to keep contact time down to a minimum ... to the point where I'll sometimes curtail events so I can get away to be by myself.
I think about myself a lot, but not in a constructive or structured way, more in a generalised messed up way.
How has my disease affected me physically? Mentally? Spiritually? Emotionally?
Physically, well appearance-wise obviously I have aged quicker than I would otherwise have done. My skin shows signs of my long drinking career. I have not had any medical tests done in the last 10 years so I can't say for sure.
Mentally, I have become aware of the obsessive way I think about stuff, especially recently. Going to meetings and listening to others share about their thoughts and feelings has helped me to recognise things that go on in my own head in a way I never seemed to be able to do before. My thought processes always seem very muddled and intractable ... and I tend to give up thinking about this stuff as it all seems too hard. I'm pretty sure drinking has compromised my mental acuity as I find it hard to focus and concentrate on things even now after 15 months without a drink.
Spiritually I'm not sure. I don't generally think in spiritual terms, but if I was to use the term psycholigically just for the emantime until I get a better understanding of what spirituality means in this context, then I can see that drinking has affected my ablilty to cope with life generally. I used to drink so I didn't have to cope. Now I have to find new ways to do so.
Emotionally drinking pretty much always made me feel better in the immediate effect of a couple of drinks ... but later on after a skinful I'd be maudlin and weepy ... often acting out and playing the victim or picking arguments and generally being a drama queen ... acting out fantasies and acting in ways I find shameful now. The legacy of this is guilt, remorse and shame ... an acknowledgment that I did things I shouldn't have and drinking is no excuse or get out of jail card in this respect. I have a low opinion of myself in some ways and an overblown one in others ... extremes without the balanced middle in other words. That should probably go under Mental Effects but I'm not sure where the line between mental, emotional, and spiritual/psychological is.
To me it means that there is a strong compulsion on my part to repeatedly act in a way that rationally makes no sense. I knew for a long time that my drinking was out of control. I wanted to stop, and yet I didn't want to. I wanted to drink and not have to deal with the consequences of drinking. Even when I did look seriously at giving up drinking, at the same time I considered going back to using recreational drugs as a way of maintaining the "oblivion option." Thus my addiction seems to be as much about the effect as the substance used.
Has my disease been active recently? In what way?
If the pointers of active addiction are that we become trapped in obsessive, compulsive, self centered routines, with endless loops that head nowhere but to physical, mental and emotional decay .... well then I'd say that yes my addiction has been active recently.
I find that I easily fall into obsessive thought and behaviour patterns.
Behaviourly at the moment I am finding it hard to break the pattern of compulsively surfing the internet, to the point of getting up early to do so, and also disrupting my work day in order to peruse alcoholic support forums, posting messages when I should be working. I'll re-read my own posts incessantly to ensure that I've got the wording correct, or look for answering posts scanning for re-assurance or praise.
Thinking-wise I just go around and around in my head with the same old arguments about addiction vs habit. Still on some level finding it hard to accept that I can NEVER drink again ... never get wasted. That thought has been troubling me a lot.
What is it like when I'm obsessed with something? Does my thinking follow a pattern? Describe.
I don't really notice at first that I am thinking obsessively. I mean they're my thoughts right? But after a while I realise that I'm thinking a lot about a certain thing that has happened or situation that I'm dreading ... or getting up tight about something, and it will be like a loop gets set up in my head and I'll go over it again and again ... "I should have said this or that" ... "I should have done this instead of that" ... "if only this or that would happen then everything would be OK" sort of thing.
I will detach from reality and drift into obsessively imagining scenarios where things that have already happened get altered by me doing or saying something differently ... or by other things happening to change the circumstances ...
I'm not sure I'm explaining this right. It's like an extreme form of wishful thinking I guess.
When a thought occurs to me do I immediately act on it without considering the consequences? In what ways do I behave compulsively
I don't know. I don't think I'm particularly impulsive. On the whole I'd say I'm quite a cautious person ... not so much when drinking though, and not when riled up and angry either when I can sometimes say stuff which I then go on to regret. Certainly in drinking terms I've built up sober time (weeks sometimes months) which I've then blown without any real thought for the consequences. Just somehow managed to convince myself it'd be OK without really allowing myself to think it through.
So I see that side of me is there, but on the whole I tend to over-think, if anything ... so thinking, wishing, dreaming and procrastinating without acting rather than acting without thinking.
How does the self centered part of my disease affect my life and the lives of those around me
When I was drinking I'd lie a lot about it. I'd tell Trev I'd only just opened the bottle not long before he arrived home when either it was the second bottle, or I'd got another one on the go out of sight on the shelf in the kitchen. Also I'd lie about situations, either exagerating episodes at work in order to justify drinking on days we'd agreed to keep AF ... or fabricating stuff in order to justify drinking. I'd try to manipulate the situation so that I couldn't just drink but could drink as much as I wanted to ... enough to get trashed. If I could manipulate the situation such that I could be alone and drinking so much the better. By doing this I erected barriers between myself and Trev which has had long lasting effects on the dynamic of our relationship.
I'd often cancel stuff that had been planned with friends or acquaintances. Texting or calling at the last minute with some half assed excuse when it was just that I wanted to stay home by myself and drink. My friends got fed up with this kind of treatment and eventually gave up getting in contact with me.
These days I think I still try to manipulate situations and/or people so that I can remain mostly inconspicuous in face to face dealings. Joining in if necessary, but only on the fringes. I'd say this is outside of my workplace where there are defined boundaries and I understand the roles and responsibilities. Work is a place where I feel most comfortable other than at home. When I am in other places and I have to interact with people I generally try to keep contact time down to a minimum ... to the point where I'll sometimes curtail events so I can get away to be by myself.
I think about myself a lot, but not in a constructive or structured way, more in a generalised messed up way.
How has my disease affected me physically? Mentally? Spiritually? Emotionally?
Physically, well appearance-wise obviously I have aged quicker than I would otherwise have done. My skin shows signs of my long drinking career. I have not had any medical tests done in the last 10 years so I can't say for sure.
Mentally, I have become aware of the obsessive way I think about stuff, especially recently. Going to meetings and listening to others share about their thoughts and feelings has helped me to recognise things that go on in my own head in a way I never seemed to be able to do before. My thought processes always seem very muddled and intractable ... and I tend to give up thinking about this stuff as it all seems too hard. I'm pretty sure drinking has compromised my mental acuity as I find it hard to focus and concentrate on things even now after 15 months without a drink.
Spiritually I'm not sure. I don't generally think in spiritual terms, but if I was to use the term psycholigically just for the emantime until I get a better understanding of what spirituality means in this context, then I can see that drinking has affected my ablilty to cope with life generally. I used to drink so I didn't have to cope. Now I have to find new ways to do so.
Emotionally drinking pretty much always made me feel better in the immediate effect of a couple of drinks ... but later on after a skinful I'd be maudlin and weepy ... often acting out and playing the victim or picking arguments and generally being a drama queen ... acting out fantasies and acting in ways I find shameful now. The legacy of this is guilt, remorse and shame ... an acknowledgment that I did things I shouldn't have and drinking is no excuse or get out of jail card in this respect. I have a low opinion of myself in some ways and an overblown one in others ... extremes without the balanced middle in other words. That should probably go under Mental Effects but I'm not sure where the line between mental, emotional, and spiritual/psychological is.
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