If I've been thinking about drinking or acting out my addiction in some other way, have I shared it with my sponsor or told anyone else?
I am lucky that I have a number of "sobriety buddies" and friends, both in AA and elsewhere. I chat regularly with these people about everyday stuff as well as recovery. I have started making more friends in AA which is helping me to not isolate and try to "go it alone". I know from experience that I find it hard to talk about my personall stuff and particularly feelings, hard even to understand them well enough to discuss them coherently. It is something I am practising though.
Have I stayed in touch with the reality of my disease, no matter how long I've had free from active addiction?
I think this is an aspect that I've only recently started to understand. The idea that I will always be an addict/alcoholic had not really occured to me. I thought recovery led to being fully recovered.
Have I noticed that, now that I don't have to cover up my addiction, I no longer have to lie like I did? Do I appreciate the freedom that goes along with that? In what ways have I begun to be honest in my recovery?
It is a huge relief not to feel I have to keep various lies and stories going just in order to cover my tracks and disguise my drinking. I am starting to share more in meetings, and with other people in AA and elsewhere. I am learning to be more honest about what I'm thinking and/or feeling. I think I'm making some progress in this regard.
What have I heard in recovery that I have trouble believing? Have I asked my sponsor, or the person I heard say it, explain it to me?
Some of the stock phrases grate on me a bit. Like "you know what happens to people who don't come to meetings? They drink". That kind of finger wagging approach doesn't sit well with me. I know quite a few long term sober people who wouldn't dream of going to AA or who've tried it and decided it wasn't for them.
I do also struggle with the disease model to some extent. I think I need to understand this better in order to believe it.
In what ways am I practising open-mindedness?
The "spiritual" nature of this program is the crux of it. As a non-religious person I am trying to remain open minded about what spirituality means and how it applies to me.
Am I willing to follow my sponsor's direction?
Not without question, no. I think it is reasonable to ask questions in order to understand what is being asked before agreeing to act or follow instructions. But other than that, yes.
Am I willing to go to meetings regularly?
Yes.
Am I willing to give recovery my best effort? In what ways?
I am willing to work the steps, to try to understand the principles involved and apply them, and I am willing to help anyone else in a mutually supportive way.
Do I believe that I'm a monster who has poisoned the whole world with my addiction? Do I believe that my addiction is utterly inconsequential to the larger society around me? Or something in between?
I think society loses when any of it's members stay needlessly sick. So I'd say the answer is something in between.
Do I have a sense of my relative importance within my circle of family and friends? In society as a whole? What is that sense?
I am as important to my family and friends as they are to me. I am a single member of society so obviously very unimportant in the overall scheme of things. I vote and I pay taxes. I work and contribute to economic growth.
How am I practising the principle of humility in connection with this work on the First Step?
I am glad I heard someone explain humility as a willingness to learn. This whole exercise of working step one has been a learning experience.
Have I made peace with the fact that I am an alcoholic?
Yes.
Have I made peace with the things I'll have to do to stay sober?
I think so.
How is my acceptance of my disease necessary for my continued recovery?
I think knowing I have developed an addiction is not enough. I have to take responsibility for ensuring that I recover from both active addiction and thinking, feeling and acting in an addictive way. I don't think AA is a quick fix but I do think the steps offer a structured aproach to recovery.
Accepting my disease is necessary because without that acceptance I am very likely to go back to wasting a lot of time and energy on the whole "maybe I really can control my drinking" way of thinking with the inherent cycles of stop start drinking. I've done enough of that.
