Over what exactly am I powerless?
When I drink I always want to drink enough to get drunk. The only time that doesn't happen is when there are external factors present ... like not enough booze to hand and all shops shut, or the presence of someone (like my mother) to act as a moderating force. Left to my own devices I always drink to get drunk. Once I start to drink I am unable through my own means to stop until I am drunk. I am powerless over my drinking once I start.
I've done things while acting out on my addiction that I would never do when focussing on my recovery. What are they?
I'd look for ways to have a drink even when I'd agreed not to drink for a set period of time. I'd lie and/or exagerate a work scenario to justify drinking, I'd lie over the phone to Trev saying that I hadn't drunk when I had. I'd cancel plans I'd made with friends and text them some bullshit excuse so I could stay in and drink. I'd plan drink-a-thons when he was going to be away on business.
What things have I done to maintain my addiction that went completely against my beliefs and values?
Lying, sneaking around hiding bottles, pretending to be sober when pissed, drinking in the kitchen to supplement the wine we were supposed to be sharing in the living room. Hiding empties and shipping them out when Trev was away. Taking leave or phoning in sick to stay home and drink. Denying that my absense was drink related.
How does my personality change when I'm acting out on my addiction? (For example do I become arrogant? Self-centered? Mean-tempered? Passive to the point where I can't protect myself? Manipulative? Whiny?)
On the very rare occasion that Trev did not want to have a drink despite our agreement (Nearly always these agreements were instigated by me) to stay sober I'd get quite defensive or aggresive. If a lie didn't work, I'd fish around for another way to manipulate the situation round so that we'd end up drinking.
Do I manipulate other people to maintain my addiction? How?
Trev worries about my stress levels. I've played up the amount of stress I feel about work and other stuff over the years so it is firmly fixed in his head that I do not cope well with stress. This has been a manipulative ploy on my part to give me an easy "out" from whatever is being demanded of me at the time.
Have I tried to quit drinking and found that I couldn't? Have I quit drinking on my own and found that my life was so painful without alcohol that my abstinence didn't last very long? What were these times like?
I gave up drinking for 5 months in 2008 and have had one or two stretches of abstinence of a few months between then and Oct 2010. I have had countless day ones where I tried to stop but didn't manage to maintain my abstinence for any period of time as well though. These times were a bit of a mixed bag. After a few months abstinence I would start to feel OK ... and then I'd start to think that maybe I wasn't an alcoholic after all, and then I'd start to plan a way to drink.
When I stopped in Oct 2010, I stayed abstinent for about 8 months before deciding to try AA. I was doing OK on the outside but I knew that internally I hadn't changed ... that I still thought and acted in much the same way as I'd done when actively drinking. I figured that I needed to change but didn't know how. So I thought I'd give AA a go and see if the 12 steps had anything to offer in the way of re-shaping the way I think, feel and act.
How has my addiction hurt me or others?
I think my addiction is still hurting me because I still don't really feel like I cope well with life generally and in particular managing my emotional state.
I asked Trev about this and he seems to think I am making a big deal out of not very much. Yes I used to get trashed and yes I wasn't honest about my drinking but to him that is pretty much it. Not that he is being unsupportive but he doesn't really accept the disease model nor that I am an alcoholic. I asked him if I had hurt him through my drinking and he says not. We rarely fought or rowed when drinking but when we did we said some deeply hurtful things on both sides. Mostly though we just bickered. Trev is still a heavy drinker although not in the same way as me.
I am wary to leave it there with this question as I feel like I am being dishonest. I have hurt others but is it attributable to my addiction? Of that I'm not sure. I am culpable in either case surely?
I lost some good friendships through my dishonesty. I'd lie and create silly dramas to explain my non-appearance at pre-arranged engagements. All so I could drink. So I hurt my friends.
I'd lie to my family and tell them I was unavailable to attend functions or just to go over and help out with things. I'd rather stay home and drink. So I hurt my family that way.
I'd drink to oblivion whilst baby-sitting my nephews. So potential for hurt there although luckily no actual damage.
