What does unmanageability mean to me?
Outwardly my life seems mostly OK. There are signs of this unmanageability ... frequent absenses from work for example, but most of the unmanageability is internally in the way I act and react to things. I do not have good emotional control, nor do I respond in a balanced way to events around me.
I also think that all the lying and sneaking around that I did in an effeort to cover my tracks made my life feel very unmanageable. Knowing and feeling I was doing the wrong thing but doing it anyway. I still struggle with the balance between acknowledging the affect my addiction has on my thinking, feelings and behaviour ... and my own culpability in having allowed my addiction such free reign for so long. But certainly my life felt unmanageable a lot of the time when I was drinking.
Have I ever been arrested or had legal trouble as a result of my drinking? Have I ever done anything I could have been arrested for if only I were caught? What have those things been?
I have never been arrested but I have driven my car in the morning after getting very drunk the night before, knowing I was over the limit. I used to smoke dope, the possesion of which is still a criminal offence.
What trouble have I had at work because of my drinking?
It is only by luck that I have not had serious trouble at work through my drinking. I have a job where I can under-perform without it being immediately apparent so I've used this lee-way to good (or bad) affect. Much of my under-performance was due to being perpetualy hung over.
What trouble have I had with my family as a result of my drinking?
With the exception of my mother my whole family drinks heavily. I am not aware of any trouble as such except I know this aspect of our behaviour causes my mother some concern. She doesn't talk about it thought.
What trouble have I had with my friends as a result of my drinking?
I think most of my long time friends are unaware of my drinking as I lost touch with many of them through staying home and drinking instead of going out and cultivating the friendships I had. I kept some friends but mostly only the heavy drinkers ... those turned out to be drinking buddies rather than friends. I don't really see much of them any more.
Do I insist on having my own way? What effect has my insistence had on my relationships?
I don't insist on having my own way, although Trev would disgaree so I think I do in relationships where I feel very safe. In most other situations (outside the home) I harbour huge resentments for not getting my own way and for not feeling able to be assertive enough to even state what my preferences are.
Do I consider the needs of others? What effect has my lack of consideration had on my relationships?
I have been told quite often that I am a considerate person. I think I do try to consider the needs of others ... not always, and not only from high motives either. I think sometimes I do kind things as a way to ingratiate myself rather than to do the "right thing" as such.
Do I accept responsibility for my life and my actions? Am I able to carry out my daily responsibilities without becoming overwhelmed? How has this affected my life?
This question hits the bulls-eye for me. I get overwhelmed incredibly easily and quickly. I know I find it hard to accept responsibility for myself, my actions and my responsibilities. In this respect I find myself still responding in a very child-like way ... kind of hoping that the bad stuff will all just go away all by itself without me having to do anything at all.
I procrastinate as a way of not having to do stuff that feels overwhelming. As a result I get behind on virutally every outstanding task ... thus I feel more overwhelmed and procrastinate even more. As a result things that need to get done don't, I live in a bit of a tip, all the DIY jobs that needed doing years ago are still outstanding etc etc, I don't call friends because it seems too much trouble, I don't arrange to invite people over for the same reason. I feel like I am my own worst enemy.
I said earlier that I struggle with the balance between "blaming" my addiction, taking personal responsibility, and beating myself up for allowing my addiction to run riot in my life. I knew for a long time things had got out of hand before I did anything about it. And I denied for a long time that things were almost under control when in fact the opposite was true. Things were progressing to ever increasing levels of out-of-controlled-ness.
Do I fall apart the minute things don't go according to plan? How has this affected my life?
Yes! I have what I euphamistically call a low frustration threshold. Once I do set to achieve a task if it doesn't go swimmingly I either feel like giving up or I get upset at my ineptitude. I generally give up way too easily. I've set out to learn quite a few new skills over the years. I have mastered virutally none of them.
Do I treat every challenge as a personal insult? How has this affected my life?
No. I don't think I do this. I get panicked by challenges sometimes and I do think perhaps the person challenging me has an agenda I can't determine which sends me off into an internal votex of trying to figure out the un-figure-out-able, but generally I don't think I treat challenges as personal insults much of the time.
Do I maintain a crisis mentalily, responding to every situation with panic? How has this affected my life?
I definitely am prone to panic. I see the pitfalls in everything and am therefore overly cautious in order to protect myself from what I perceive are big risks ... in reality the risks are often small and of little consequence. Who cares is I get ridiculed ... only I do care too much about rubbish like that.
I often feel like I am living my life on the edge of some impending catastrophe. I think I do maintain a crisis mentality in that way. It doesn't bring me any peace, and the things I worry about are often completely outside my scope of influence let alone control. The affect this has had on my life is that I find it hard to just enjoy things in a simple and straight forward manner. My crisis mentality has me on high alert when I could and should be having more fun.
Do I ignore signs that something may be seriously wrong with my health, thinking that things will work out somehow? Describe.
I always always always leave my medical worries to fester. I get scared by what's going on but even more scared of facing up to it and going to the doctor. I'm the same about the dentist too. I tell myself rational sounding things like "we'll see if it clears up in a week/month or so" when what I really mean is "I hope it just goes away so I don't have to deal with it". When I found a lump in my breast a couple of years ago it took me a few months to work up the courage to go to the doctors. I found the whirlwind of events from there on quite scary but it turned out ok.
In general my procrastination is driven by fear or an inability to face up to stuff.
When in real danger, have I ever been either indifferent to that danger or somehow unable to protect myself as a result of my drinking? Describe.
Almost all my serious drinking happened at home. Although I drank very heavily with my husband and when out with our friends, my worst excesses were either when alone or when I went over to stay at Jans (a self confessed alcoholic).
Certainly I've driven the morning after a session when knowlingly over the limit. I remember thinking it through ... well sort of .... what I mean is I remember trying to rationalise why it would be OK to drive even though I actually still felt drunk. I told myself I needed to get to work because it was important that no-one suspect me of being so out of control drink-wise that I can't even make it in to work. And I remember thinking about how I'm probabaly OK to drive because I was aware that I was impaired ... duh well that's a strange logic that only bears scrutiny when drunk. The thing is I knew it was dangerous and not just for me either. A car is a big machine to be in charge of when pissed. I could have killed or injured someone.
Have I ever harmed someone as a result of my addiction? Describe.
I am so grateful to be able to say that I have not actually injured anyone through my drinking.
I have caused harm though through the things I've said whilst drinking. There've been times when I've said untrue things and hurtful things. Raking up shit from the past and poring over petty and ancient resentments, trying re-ignite old hurts and resentments by comparing then with now. Just generally being unreasonable.
It would be very easy to sit here and say therefore that I have hardly harmed anyone through my drinking. But in my mind I feel worse about the harm caused through the things not done. By neglecting the people I love just so that I could hide away and drink, I made them doubt the deep commitment I feel towards them. It still fills me with shame that I acted this way and was either not there at all for my friends and family as they went through various life events, or not there enough even when I could be bothered to tear myself away from the bottle for a short time. I always told myself I was shit at all that stuff anyway and probably wouldn't have been much help. But friendships are not built or sustained by such shoddy behaviour. I see that.
Do I have temper tantrums or react to my feelings in other ways that lower my self-respect or sense of dignity? Describe.
I always thought that my temper was just a family trait. Both my parents have firy tempers. Although my fathers temper is one that rages out of control in the most visible way, my mother too would lash out in temper. Some of the beatings I remember receiving as a child were far from what might be considered controlled discipline. Even now her temper is sharp, as is her scorn.
I have the toxic mix of both kinds of temper. Last time I lost my temper completely I was 18. My sister and I had a row as a result of her stealing some money I'd saved up. We fought physically and both had cuts and bruises as a result. I haven't lost my temper in a physical way since then as it really scared both of us what happened.
I loose my temper easily and find it inexplicable how quickly it happens. It's sparked off by so little one day and yet even in very similar circumstances on another day I hardly seem bothered by what is going on. My husband bears the brunt of my temper as I have learnt to mostly keep myself on a leash when in social / professional situations.
Stupid things really like when we're watching recorded tv and Trev will whizz through the ads but overshoot and have to piss around trying to backtrack to the end of the ads ... because he'll overshoot back and forth using the fastwind rather than the slower wind. It makes me seethe in a completely unreasonable way and sometimes I will say something like "Oh for fucks sake give me the damn thing" ... it's only a tv programme!!! It is the pettiness of the things I get heated up over that causes me to feel like a inadequate person. I know it's not reasonable to act in this way and yet I consistently fall prey to doing so.
Did I drink or act out my addiction to change or suppress my feelings? What was I trying to change or supress?
I think this is the crux of it for me. I drank to get drunk and to stop feeling ill at ease ... about everything. About myself, about my life, about my inability to cope with life, about my feelings of inadequacy. All of it. I wanted to feel like someone else and drinking achieved that.
