Have I accepted the full measure of my disease?
I absolutely recognise that I've got an addiction, and that this means that I will never be "safe" to drink again. I have tried numerous times and using various strategies to control my drinking and none of it worked.
Do I think I can still associate with people connected with my addiction? Can I still go to the place where I drank? Do I think it's wise to keep alcohol around, just to "remind myself" or test my recovery? If so, why?
Given that quite a lot of my drinking happened with my husband, who still drinks I am unsure about how to answer this question. I do still associate with our friends, most of whom drink. Do I think I can do this safely? Yes, as long as I am working on my recovery I think it is OK to do so.
We do have alcohol in the house. The "call of the wine rack" used to really play on my mind in the early months of abstinence but I don't notice it so much now. Given that Trev still drinks and almost all our friends do too, I don't see it as realistic to not have alcohol in the house. Is it a good idea? Probably not.
Is there something I think I can't get through sober, some event that might happen that will be so painful that I'll have to drink to survive the hurt?
Difficult question. I think there are things that would make me want to drink. If my sister or Trev were to die or become seriously ill for example, or if that happened to any of my sisters' children. If I were to be diagnosed with a serious illness, even if I were to lose my job or suffer some kind of financial meltdown ... stuff like that.
Do I think that with some account of sober time, or with different life circumstances, I'd be able to control my drinking?
I do wonder about this one. I know people who have returned to controlled drinking having developed a serious problem. It's so hard to know if they are telling the truth about their drinking patterns now, or if their addiction was of the same depth as my own.So yes, these thoughts do cross my mind from time to time. "If I were to change completely and fundamentally on a psychological level then maybe it would be possible". I guess what I'm hoping though is that if I can change and grow through working the steps I actually won't ever want to return to drinking.
What reservations am I still holding on to?
I think in the back of my mind I am still holding on to the idea that if going through the steps in AA doesn't make me feel better, think better and behave better then I can consider the program not to have worked. I guess I think I could use that as justification to consider going back to drinking. I don't know if I really would do that though as I was abstinent when I came into AA.
