Do I have any fears about coming to believe?
I am afraid of everything! Do I have any fears about coming to believe? Yes, I do. Specifically I am scared that I might come to believe but it won't be enough ... that my difficulty in taking a leap of faith might dilute my belief to such an extent as to render it impotent ... or that I will not be able to sustain my belief because I haven't founded it on something that will withstand scrutiny or my own questioning in difficult times.
I am scared that it won't work basically.
Do I have any barriers that make it difficult to believe? What are they?
I am unsure that I can ever believe again in any kind of supernatural spiritual being. Having had faith in the past and having been devastated by the gradual realisation that it was bogus I am not sure I even want to try to believe in anything beyond what I can see.
Having been to many meetings now I have come to see that others in AA with decades of sobriety do not ascribe supernatural attributes to their Higher Power. I am unclear whether this is considered "second best" compared to those able to believe in a deity but it seems from the literature that there is an underlying assumption that the development of a spiritual life will eventually lead to a spiritual awakening. Whether or not this depends on believing in some supernatural power remains to be seen but it is a strong reservation and therefore a barrier in my mind.
It's hard to be open minded about this stuff. Once bitten twice shy and all that. I think having had and lost a faith makes it more difficult but not necessarily impossible.
What does the phrase "we came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity" mean to me?
I heard at a meeting recently that the operative word in this step is "could". Thus all we have to do really is to allow for the possibility that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Well, I can do that.
Have I ever believed in anything for which I didn't have tangible evidence? What was that experience like?
I believed for some years in a Christian God and a bible based doctrine. I lived in a community of like minded believers. I was mostly happy and content in my life at that time although I did drink back then and even after I stopped drinking I smoked dope on occasion whilst living there.
My experience there was that a belief in something "out there" was very comforting ... that living with like minded believers was very affirming ... that doing good works made me feel good about myself ... that joining in with others persuing similar goals created feelings of purpose and well-being ... but that it was not sustainable in that the belief system could not withstand scrutiny because there was no actual evidence that any of it was true.
The apparent inconsistencies in the belief system adhered to within the community started me in a process of questioning that ultimately led to me having not only a crisis of faith, but acting in a way contrary to the doctrine of teh fellowship ... which led to me being asked to choose between continuing on my chosen path and leaving ... or staying and conforming behaviourly to the biblical principles as interpretted by the fellowship elders. I left.
What experiences have I heard from other recovering alcoholics/addicts share about the process of coming to believe? Have I tried any of them in my life?
The one thing that has helped me most is that I've met others who do not have a deity as their Higher Power. They came to believe that AA could restore them to sanity ... or that the collective wisdom as outlined in the 12 step programme could restore them to sanity.
Quite a few people have shared that they pray despite not believing in a deity. I found that quite "jarring" at first. People said "pray if you believe and pray if you don't believe". Again I felt quite resitant to this idea. But then I do really like the Serenity Prayer and I do find myself repeating it to myself during the day. I do pray despite my loss of faith because sometimes I just don't know what else to do.
I think the thing that helps me as well as hearing from others sharing about their none-deity Higher Powers is that all that is required is a willingness to believe ... a willingness to try to believe even. I know how closed off my mind is sometimes and I am determined to try to keep it open. I need this to work and if that means trying to believe then I am going to try.
In what do I believe?
I believe that AA can work. I believe that trying to be a decent person counts for something, and that treating others as you'd like to be treated as at the core of practising decency. I believe that I am recovering although clearly I am still in recovery infancy.
How has my belief grown since I've been in recovery?
When I first came to AA I wasn't sure it could work for someone like me. I guess we all think we are uniquely ill suited to a "one size fits all" approach and that's what I thought AA was. So I came with many reservations and although I tried to keep an open mind there were elements of what I saw and heard that confirmed my worst fears ... and yet also other things that confirmed that I was in the right place if I wanted to change my life for the better. I think my belief in the latter has grown even though some reservations remain.
