Why is making a decision central to working this step?
I think deciding is an act of will and also the start point of a willingness to follow through with action. It's the precursor to action, but action with a purpose and for me that purpose is recovery.
Can I make this decision just for today? Do I have any fears or reservations about it? What are they?
Yes I can make this decision on a daily basis. I suppose the main thing that I have reservations about are that I will not be able to do this right, or well enough to work out. Also that I will be giving up my autonomy or somehow be expected to follow a dogma that will ultimately make me unhappy. I suppose it's that old arrogance that results in me thinking that if the programme has no solid psychological foundation then it can't possibly be good enough for me.
What action have I taken to follow through on my decision?
I don't know!!! Oh actually yes I do. I can actually go and get myself a sponsor. I am scared to do this because I think that will entail me having to do things at someone else's pace rather than my own (which is really a non-pace since I am perpetually in full procrastination mode)
What areas of my life are difficult for me to turn over? Why is it important that I turn them over anyway?
I don't really understand this concept of areas. I've known for quite some time that alcoholism is not simply about drinking/not drinking so I know that recovery is about more than not drinking. I suppose I figure that turning my whole life over is an impossibility as it smacks of the whole "born again christianity" thing. However unless I decide to make some radical changes in my life I am unlikely to recover longer term.
Areas that are difficult for me to turn over are;
Things I need to change but don't want to do any work to effect the change needed,
My character defects
My fears
My need to feel in control
My love of doing nothing
My procrastination
Why is it important to turn these things over? Because nothing changes if nothing changes. I'm still running essentially on self will and although I don't feel at any great risk of drinking I know that I have not been working at recovery with anything like the level of commitment needed to yield positive profound change. I'm acting in much the same way I was whilst drinking ... except I'm not drinking. Turning things over is not about abdicating my responsibilities but is about being willing to listen and learn from others ... turning over my self will is key here.
How have I acted on self-will? What were my motives?
Isolating myself from others and withdrawing within myself even whilst in the company of others is an act of self will (acting on the impulse of being scared to engage with others). It's also a way of exerting control over my environment. If I'm by myself I only have to please myself so I'm in charge. The idea of a "God of my understanding" being in charge of me is how I understood this step for a long time. Now I see that the God of my understanding is not in charge as it isn't intervening in my life. Instead if my higher power is the principles of the 12 steps it's in effect the collective wisdom of AA for me to draw upon. So I turn my will over to working the program ... nothing to be frightened of there.
Mostly my motives are fear based. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of appearing foolish, fear of being seen as needy or weak, fear of being challenged to change even though I know I need to change.
How has acting on self will affected my life?
I have no friends. I spend a lot of time outside work either on my own or with family. Apart from going to meetings I rarely go out in the evenings. I'm missing out on stuff that could make life a lot more enjoyable. I'm so ingrained on acting on self will that I feel unable to change. I need help to do this.
How has my self will affected others?
I really struggle to see how much of what I do affects others as I'm in so little contact with others except for Trev, Kath et al, and work colleagues. That said I know I can be maddeningly stubborn about things, when ask to do things I almost always look for an escape route never hesitating to lie if it achieves my aims. I know I hurt the people I love sometimes with my rejection of offers to come over and spend time with them.
