Step Two Part Six: Spiritual Principles

What is having a closed mind harmful to my recovery?

 In so many ways!!! I think and then I over-think, analyse ... see potential problems and pitfalls ... decide before even trying something that it isn't going to work ... all that stuff. In particular this business of faith/spirituality. I find it hard to get my head around it and decide that I've tried all that and it was bunkum. Was it? All of it? By closing my mind I am cutting myself off from the possibility of solutions that might work far better than the options left open.

How am I demonstrating open mindedness in my life today?

I am trying to see where my mind is closing and looking at the reasons for that. I see the pitfalls of closing my mind, but seeing and doing something about it are quite different things. When I go to meetings I try to listen to everyone and everything that is said. I try not to "filter" it all through my "this won't/can't work" filter and just try to look at the principles involved. After all the principles work for all the people I've seen with long tern sobriety and there's nothing so different about them compared to me.

In what ways has my life changed since I've been in recovery? Do I believe more change is possible?

One of the things that got me into AA was that despite being abstinent for some time I still wasn't feeling like I had good coping mechanisms to live a reasonably content sober life. I tried to figure out what to do about it all on my own and with some online support which was really valuable and helped me to start making some quite fundamental changes in the way I looked at things like core beliefs, behaviour modes, triggers, relapses and things like that. But I still didn't feel like I was coping with LIFE and felt a constant desire to escape using means other than alcohol.

I think that is starting to change since I started going to meetings and trying to practise the steps. I find myself pausing and thinking about some of the things I've read and heard in meetings. Even basic stuff like asking myself "is this something I can change/control?" which I learnt from simply looking at the words of the serenity prayer and listening to other sharing about how that simple prayer helps them.  Having it confirmed and underlined time and time again that the changes have to happen within me rather than around me has been quite instrumental in helping me to move forward. I think I am starting to move beyond the mind-set where things around me tip me off balance the whole time. I am starting to learn to accept things more readily (some of the time anyway!)

Obviously I haven't started drinking and I've come to understand that returning to drinking in any form is more than unwise. I still battle with the thought of drinking sometimes but understanding that it's the first drink that sets everything in motion and will more likely than not return me to the state of unmanageablility that got me into so much trouble before. Coming to meetings and reading the Big Book / 12 and 12 has really helped me to understand why I shouldn't consider trying for moderation over abstinence.

I certainly believe more change is possible or else why even try?

What am I willing to do to be restored to sanity?

 I think this is a difficult question to answer honestly because the way that the question is phrased creates anxiety within me. What will I be required to do? Will it go against some inner conviction I hold? Will I be required to subjugate myself in some way? Abandon my intellect and take some "leap of faith"? How will I resolve that conflict? ... basically it sends my mind into overdrive.

What I am willing to do is to learn what helped restore others to sanity. To learn from their experience and understand that what worked for them is likely to work for me. I am willing to accept that the process itself might be uncomfortable and may even grate with me but that change is a necessary part of recovery. Staying stuck is partly why I stayed in my drinking pattern for so long so change was required there ... and so too here. I am willing to try.

Is there something I am now willing to do that I was previously unwilling to do? What is it?

I think back to how unwilling I was to even consider AA as an avenue of support and realise that I have actually come quite a long way from that position already. By coming to meetings, reading the Big Book / 12 and 12, by talking to others in recovery I am learning so much about recovery. Fundamentally I am learning that recovery is what I DO. It is not something that will happen around me or something that will be imposed upon me. I have to learn what works and DO those things. For me that is where the change has happened between what I was previously unwilling to do or even contemplate doing ... and now.

What action have I been taking that demonstrates my faith?

 Yes, well not much if I'm honest. Yes I come to meetings. Yes I read the Big Book and 12&12. Yes I sometimes share. I talk to other in recovery. I asked for help in working the steps. I talk to people with long term sobriety about my concerns. I try to be more open and less guarded. I think my "faith" is in the fact that this program can work. By turning up and trying, and being willing to try I am demonstrating the beginnings of that "faith".

How has my faith grown?

 I ask myself "is it working out"? "Do I think I am coping better with my life now than before"? Answering these questions in the affirmative helps me to see that my faith in the fact that this could work is not so far misplaced. Faith to me is a process itself and coming from a background of religiosity I think this is likely to be an area of difficulty for a while yet.

Have I been able to make plans, having faith that my addiction isn't going to get in the way?


Yes definitely. One of the huge benefits I've noticed of maintaining my abstinence is that I no longer worry about how to plan "around" events ... trying to avoid one's where drinking opportunities will be limited or nonexistant.

On the wider front I'm not so sure though. I'm still not really aware where my addiction begins and ends as far as my mindset, beliefs and behaviours are concerned. It is something I am working on.

What fears do I have that are getting in the way of my trust?

 I do not find trust easy. I think for me gaining a better understanding of the principles on which the 12 steps are based has been very helpful in terms of my trust in the possibility of it working.

I suppose having had a crisis of faith in the past has given me more than average pause for thought ... particularly with regard to the spiritual nature of this program. I still find it hard to trust that there isn't some hidden agenda somewhere along the line where I will suddenly be faced with a start choice of "believe this or else ..." sort of thing. I have less of those kinds of fears as time passes though since I can see that recovery is worked in individual ways. I see that some people work the steps mechanically trusting that it will work ... and I see others looking to understand how the steps can be interpretted to take account of agnostisim / altoernative belief systems etc. I am starting to trust that the program is more flexible in it's interpretation than it might seem from purely reading the Big Book and 12&12.

What do I need to do to let go of these fears?

 Ha! Trust and fear ... they are two sides of the same coin to my mind. If I trust more I will fear less. I think by trying to work the steps I will let go of more of my fears as time passes and I see the benefits of the changes I make.


What action am I taking that demonstrates my trust in the process of recovery and a Power greater than myself?

I think the very fact that I am writing out the answers to these questions, trying to think the issues through ... talking about this with Cathy and others at AA ... all of these things demonstrate my trust in the process of recovery. My home group is a Power greater than myself and although it is sometimes a bumpy ride in our meetings I trust many of the people in that room to give useful guidance / counsel.

Have I sought help from a Power greater than myself today? How?

I said the serenity prayer earlier today when faced with a situation where I was unsure how to proceed. Even if was more an exercise in taking a moment to pause for though rather than actively seeking divine inspiration I still found it useful and calming.

Have I sought help from my sponsor, gone to meetings, and reached out to other recoverying alcoholics/addicts? What were the results?

So far so good. I believe I am becoming sober in a fuller way that encompasses more than purely staying abstinent from alcohol. I think I am making some progress.